NewsLink Briefs

It’s time to take a look at the world before it cracks open and some of it disappears. Because that’s what is happening in Nevada. We have written about this before and suggested that land speculators were invading this state and looking for beach front property bargains.

Because there surely are going to be some as scientists say a 4.7 earthquake hit the Reno area Friday night and a 6.0 earthquake would “not be a scientific surprise”.

This is the first time your aged reporter has heard about “scientific surprise”. He always thought science was based on predictability. If it’s a surprise don’t blame science.

But predicting earthquakes is not a science I guess so maybe they should just leave science out of it and say “Surprise!”

And “Put on a helmet” and “Grab your ankles and kiss yourself goodbye” (I left out part of the directions because not everyone is capable of following all the steps.

What else is going on for the survivors among us? We must carry on even as we wave good-bye to Arnold and his subjects as they float out to sea.

Presidential Candidate Barack Obama doesn’t want to debate Hillary before the May 6 primaries in Indiana and North Carolina.

Why? Possibly because he wanted to drink a cyanide cocktail after debating her the last time. And for those of you who may scoff at this let me ask a question. Have YOU ever debated Hillary? It’s not exactly like taking a walk in the park with your old girlfriend who still loves you.

Probably you never did that either.

Let’s just give Osama I mean Obama a break here. He does not want to go into the Heart of Darkness again. You only get so many chances to go in there and come out alive.

He needs his freaking mind to debate McCain. He can’t lose it now! She will take all his marbles and mail them back to him after the election.

You can’t look at that woman’s eyes on television without feeling dizzy. Imagine what it’s like in person when she’s ten feet away standing on a podium and the lights are heating things up.

Her head can do a 360 just like the kid in the Exorcist.

She wants to wait and use that on McCain. But if she has to do it now she will.

http://www.cspan.org/

BTW here is the video of last night’s White House Correspondents Dinner in case you don’t already know enough about the derangement syndromes of our various politicians and media guys and girls.

And finally President Assad of Syria said yesterday that the structure the Israelis bombed last September was not part of a nuclear weapons program.

It was a Welcome Center for Israelis who want to emigrate to Syria.

Sad. You hate to see something as nice as that destroyed. It can be awfully hot traveling in the desert.

But there is an additional report coming out of Syria right now! Let’s see if we can pick it up. Apparently….

Mr. Assad’s pants..

Have caught on fire. Yes. That’s what it says. His pants have caught on fire.

What could this mean? I don’t know. But we will try to find out. Tune in next time.

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“We will follow the rules” Howard said “And we will hope the rules allow themselves to be changed“. I have missed Howard Dean. There was a moment last summer when I was doing some woodworking and accidentally hit my finger with a hammer. I thought of him in that moment as all of the birds in the neighborhood suddenly flew out of their trees.

Who was it that said “Rules are made to be broken?” Was it Howard Dean? Probably not. But it seems clear from this statement that Howard is planning on breaking (or changing as he puts it) some of them. I am not sure exactly what he is talking about but it seems to me that letting politicians change election results that they do not like is not such a great idea.

I hope they are not planning to go there.

In other news a Florida mother was charged with hosing her daughter. Mom was arrested after authorities watched a videotape allegedly showing her spraying her 2 year old daughter with a high pressure water hose at a Florida car wash.

Her lawyer stated that they plan to use the Tripp Isenhour defense. “At no time did she ever believe she would hit the child with spray from the hose when she aimed it at her. “

Mom noted “The chances of hitting her with spray were a million to one. Anybody who thinks differently doesn’t know car washes.”

She told authorities that she didn’t use the high pressure feature on the hose. And you can’t tell from the video. All you can see is the child suddenly exiting the car wash and flying down the street into a local auto dealership. Fortunately she was not hurt. She landed in the back seat of a Cadillac convertible. A nurse reports no visible injuries 11 days after the incident.

What about mental stress? Can she sue Mom? I hear she is going around saying “Git ma Johnny Cochrun”.

We are all glad she is doing well and thinking about her future.

Astronauts are returning to space (hopefully) this week and they are planning to assemble a “monstrous” two armed robot that will rise like Frankenstein from its transport bed.

I didn’t make that last part up. Maybe somebody at NASA made it up. But let’s be clear about this. It’s a male robot. It has lots of plugs in its electronic parts and not so many receptacles.

There has been a lot of talk this past week about “monsters” and a certain presidential candidate. But there is no way we are going to send said candidate to outer space. At least not yet. Politicians have gone up there before. John Glenn. That Nelson guy. But Hillary is not blasting off this week. She has too much to do down here. There are rules that need to want to change themselves. And somebody has to make them want to do it.

The robot’s name by the way is Dextre. And that’s short for Dexedrine. Because Dextre never wants to sit down and shut up. He never gets tired. And someday all his plugs and receptacles are going to come together.

And he is going to fry himself.

But for now he is just going to be a pain in the ass in outer space. Hopefully they haven’t programmed him to talk too much. And please don’t ever show him 2001: A Space Odyssey .

And finally a jury awarded a man 1.3 million dollars saying L.A. deputies used excessive force when they tried to stop his car. Winston Hayes, 46, suffered 9 bullet wounds when deputies fired 120 shots at him at the end of a low speed pursuit.

“Justice was done” said Mr. Hayes after hearing the verdict.

Let’s see. Mr. Hayes was hit nine times. And his car was hit 66 times. So that means that 45 bullets went somewhere else? And he was driving on a public street?

How many more trials are there going to be as a result of this incident? Call J.C. Oh wait. I keep forgetting Johnny is no longer with us.

Call somebody! This thing is not over yet.

And that’s it for today’s News Briefs. Don’t miss a minute of your hard hitting and loose fitting News Briefs. Grab a RSS feed and remember to keep your eyes open when you are driving down the street.

Or in a car wash. Or when you are playing golf.

Pretty much everywhere.

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Pro Golfer Tripp Isenhour shot and killed a hawk with a golf ball yesterday in an incident that can only be described as a criminal act. Michael Vick move over. Your new cell mate is on the way.

Tripp was making a golf instruction video when the hawk started complaining that he was not being clear and could he repeat a few things. The golfer then got in his golf cart and moved a couple of hundred yards closer to the bird. The bird responded by moving about 25 yards closer to Tripp. So now they are 75 yards apart and suddenly golf shots start heading in the direction of the hawk.

The hawk soon realized that this was some kind of old western high noon drama but he didn’t have a gun. So he just stood his ground and waited to see what was going to happen next. Probably he knew that this moron was no Tiger Woods and felt he was pretty safe. How many golf balls is anybody going to hit out in the middle of the fairway anyway? Those things aren’t cheap.

And Isenhour probably agreed with him (except for the moron part). He knew the bird was pretty safe. But let’s think about this a moment. Let’s say this golfing genius has a four year old daughter and she is sitting in the grass 75 yards away. Is he going to take out his driver and start drilling balls in her direction? No. Why?

Because he might hit her! And people are upset. What does he have to say for himself?

“That’s obviously people who don’t know very much about golf,” he said. “To say it’s a one-in-a-million shot for an accident like that to happen, you know, and when it did happen, I was very remorseful, very upset that it happened.”

The sound man who was recording the golf lesson had this to say to the PGA professional.

” What did you expect was going to happen? You’re a pro golfer, you’re hitting line drives right at it.”

Well I guess I am one of those guys who doesn’t know very much about golf. But I wouldn’t dream of hitting a golf ball at a bird. Any bird. Why?

Because golf balls hurt! I know enough about golf to realize they travel at high speed and can put a dent in you. This actually happened to me one time as a drive somehow managed to come through the trees and hit me as I was standing behind a golf cart. It was an amazing shot and the golf ball probably had my name on it.

And it hurt like a bewitch for quite awhile. But I was lucky. Because when our friend the hawk finally was whacked he fell down and started bleeding from both nostrils.

I can imagine what he was thinking. “I can’t believe this bozo hit me with one of his stupid golf balls.” And “Well. That’s it for me. I’m out of here. Next time I’m coming back as a dolphin.”

And next time Tripp Isenhour comes back he should be a caddy who has a night job picking up golf balls on a driving range in one of those old trucks. The ones with screen over the windows and ( hopefully) a bulls eye that someone has playfully painted on the side of the truck.

More News Briefs

http://newslinkbriefs.com/2008/02/22/weekend-summary/

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