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On this day in 1789 The Constitution of the United States went into effect as the First Federal Congress met in New York. They didn’t do much however because there were not enough of them for a quorum. But once the word got out that there were openings for politicians this problem was solved.

The next day. Earlier in 1681 King Charles II granted a charter to William Penn for land that later became Pennsylvania. But why did King Charles feel like he actually was in a position to give the land away? Did he OWN the land? What about the people who had been living there for centuries?

If someone gives away my one tenth acre of land I am going to be upset. Especially if they give it to my ex wife. And that could happen. Where’s my bow and arrow?

In 1858 Senator James Hammond D-SC declared “Cotton is king” in a speech to the US Senate. Senator Byrd jumped up and applauded (He was young enough in those days to jump around and do other stuff without hurting his back). Mr. Cotton was surprised but he collected himself and took a bow. He had been sitting in the gallery sleeping but was abruptly awakened when someone poked him. Later he discovered that somebody had stolen his whig which was, coincidentally, made of cotton balls.

On this day three years later (1861) Abraham Lincoln was inaugurated President. The next day King Cotton turned up at the White House and started pounding on the door. It didn’t take President Lincoln long to realize it was going to be a very long four years.

In 1925 Calvin Coolidge’s inauguration was broadcast live on 21 radio stations. Millions of people across the country suddenly realized that their radios made a loud humming noise when Silent Cal got up to make his speech.

On this day in 1933 Franklin D. Roosevelt gave a stirring speech pledging to lead the country out of the Great Depression. You had to be there to be stirred by this speech because all the radios were in a state of disrepair by then and nobody had the money to get them fixed.

And now it is time for the “Happy Birthday” wishes. Rapper Grand Puba is 42 today and we wish him all the luck in the world and many more birthdays. Chastity Bono is 39 today and it hardly seems possible. My they grow up quickly! Rock singer Evan Dando (Lemonheads) is 41 and we hope he enjoys his day. Jazz musician Jason Marsalis is 31 and please have a solo on us. And actress Andrea Bowen (Desperate Housewives) is 18 and really finding out about life at an early age.

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The other day we were musing about the US President whoever he or she may be next year being given greater power for various good purposes. One of them would be permission to go down to the Senate and kick some butt. And to specifically kick anybody over the age of eighty back to their home state so we can have some younger blood at the helm. Maybe we could even find someone who is say, 65, to be in charge of some of the important decisions that need to be made.

Well, Senator Byrd must have read my post because he admitted himself to Walter Reed Army Hospital yesterday. He was having some back pain. I wonder why back pain requires a hospital admission? Maybe he is just hiding out. Maybe he thinks that the current President is going to show up and kick his butt.

He shouldn’t worry about that. I was hoping a long time ago that President Bush would challenge Saddam Hussein to fight on the White House lawn. Because I think the President who has some problems but is always in shape could have beat Saddam into the ground. And that would have been something every guy in the Middle East would have understood. Because they really aren’t impressed by cruise missiles. That’s too high tech for them. But a good butt kicking is something every guy over there understands. And their wives understand it too. Probably they understand it better than anybody. But President Bush had precious little experience with hand to hand combat when he was in the military. And he is pretty fond of cruise missiles. . .

Saddam would have agreed to it too. All they had to do was make him an offer he couldn’t refuse. “Alright, Saddam. If you beat President Bush then we will put off your hanging for six months. ” I bet he would have gone for that. But the President never made the offer and now, of course, now it is too late. Thanks to cell phone technology we were able to witness Saddam’s date with a very impressive rope. And so we will never see him tussle with the President.

Too bad.

So Senator Byrd has a bad back and is third in line to be President of the US. He is also ninety years old and has never seen a dollar that he didn’t want to spend on his beloved state of West Virginia. But something about all of this does not comfort me. It doesn’t take very long to count to three. And when I get there I want to find something that makes me happy. The idea that the most powerful country in the history of the known universe is so very close to being run by a ninety year old guy who has to be admitted to the hospital for a bad back is . . . what? What word would you put in here? Frightening? Insane? Pretty funny?

We are one pretzel and one defibrillator with a bad battery away from having a ninety year old man who likes to hallucinate while he is giving three hour speeches about the tree in his back yard as the leader of our country. Should this concern us? No? Good.

But Maybe Senator Byrd needs to stop certain kinds of activity in case the unimaginable happens. And speaking of the unimaginable what do you think he might have been doing to hurt his back?

You don’t think he was consulting with one of his more attractive female constituents do you? No. That’s not possible. It’s more likely that Saddam will come back from the Mother of all Hot Spots where he now resides and stand on the White House lawn calling for the President to come out and play.

Senator Byrd just needed a nap and was having trouble getting some snooze time in his office. There was just too much noise. And the Senate Floor was closed so he couldn’t go in there and sleep.

I am sure he will be back soon since it is clear his goal is to be “Working” in the Senate when he turns one hundred.

And I am hoping the cameras will be rolling when that happens. I enjoy watching these guys fall out while they are giving speeches. And I was disappointed when Saddam gave his because he didn’t give it in English.

Unfortunately there were no subtitles.

Cell phone technology hasn’t come that far.

Yet.

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