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The judge in the corruption trial of a certain person says that the names of the jurors will be kept secret. Opening statements are set to begin in the trial of someone today. And we won’t say his or her name here because in the past this person was associated with someone else who is now running for high office. The judge did leave the door open to releasing some information later.

She noted that information about the assassination of JFK was due to be released fifty years after his death or in just a few years. So she felt we should all be patient and realize that before we all know it the information will be in our cold, dead hands.

The 52 year old defendant who is accused of shaking down companies with money to invest and perhaps (although this is highly unlikely) letting the money sit somewhere near someone who might have picked it up on his or her way to a campaign meeting.

He denies wrongdoing.

A former navy sailor was convicted of “leaking” (haha) details about ship movements to suspected terrorist supporters. Jurors convicted Hassan AbuJihaad, 32, of Phoenix of providing material support to terrorists and disclosing classified national defense information. The convicted sailor faces 25 years in federal prison for (among other things) passing along a drawing of his battle group’s formation and other data before it passed through the dangerous Strait of Hormuz in the Persian Gulf on April 29, 2001.

Mr. Jihaad stated in his defense motion that he was only making an April Fools joke and thought these were acceptable up to and including the last day of April. He also stated that he thought everyone would know it was a joke because, after all, his name was Mr. Jihaad! What fool with a name like that would actually try to sneak something important to his terrorist buds?

And even if he was that stupid wasn’t it clear that he was sorry and would not do it again if they just let him go back to Pakistan and take care of his elderly mother and five wives?

And finally the state of New York fined the personal corporation of Democratic Senate candidate Al Franken $25,000 for not carrying workers’ compensation insurance for almost three years. It was noted that they had sent him notices about this problem but he had apparently not received them.

But now he is aware of the problem and hopes to pay the fine once he is able to contact someone who is on trial somewhere near the Great Lakes.

Anything more that we might say about this could be construed as a political statement. And we don’t want to go there. This is The News. These are News Briefs. And BTW we would like to apologize for suggesting the inner cities of America be razed and parks established in their place. Our wife has reminded us that we have close relatives who live in the center of Boston, Buffalo and Miami. None of them want to move. None of them want to go live in a house boat.

None of them particularly like to fish and they prefer to eat steak. They especially like Filet Mignon once it has traveled through a meat grinder.

So we are very sorry about our suggestions although we think that bringing Pol Pot into the discussion is unfair and underhanded. Maybe the inner cities can be rehabilitated in another way and all the wonderful folks who live there can stay close to home.

Aren’t there rivers running through most cities? Isn’t that why a city is built in the first place? A nice river is found and everyone wants to live near it? So why not put all the house boats in the river that runs through the inner city? And once everyone has moved on to the river the old tenements and slumlord dwellings can be used for some other purpose.

Maybe suburban dwellers can be convinced to buy them up and rehab them by the millions? A moratorium on building new homes could go into effect until all the inner city dwellings are fixed up! The new President could share the news in his weekly radio address!

What a great idea! No flame throwers! No parks! Just new paint and furniture too! But who would live there after they are all fixed up? I don’t know! We will have to figure that out. Let us know what you think!

We can’t be expected to come up with all the answers in just one News Brief. So grab your RSS and return for more solutions to pressing problems SOON!

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On this day in 1789 The Constitution of the United States went into effect as the First Federal Congress met in New York. They didn’t do much however because there were not enough of them for a quorum. But once the word got out that there were openings for politicians this problem was solved.

The next day. Earlier in 1681 King Charles II granted a charter to William Penn for land that later became Pennsylvania. But why did King Charles feel like he actually was in a position to give the land away? Did he OWN the land? What about the people who had been living there for centuries?

If someone gives away my one tenth acre of land I am going to be upset. Especially if they give it to my ex wife. And that could happen. Where’s my bow and arrow?

In 1858 Senator James Hammond D-SC declared “Cotton is king” in a speech to the US Senate. Senator Byrd jumped up and applauded (He was young enough in those days to jump around and do other stuff without hurting his back). Mr. Cotton was surprised but he collected himself and took a bow. He had been sitting in the gallery sleeping but was abruptly awakened when someone poked him. Later he discovered that somebody had stolen his whig which was, coincidentally, made of cotton balls.

On this day three years later (1861) Abraham Lincoln was inaugurated President. The next day King Cotton turned up at the White House and started pounding on the door. It didn’t take President Lincoln long to realize it was going to be a very long four years.

In 1925 Calvin Coolidge’s inauguration was broadcast live on 21 radio stations. Millions of people across the country suddenly realized that their radios made a loud humming noise when Silent Cal got up to make his speech.

On this day in 1933 Franklin D. Roosevelt gave a stirring speech pledging to lead the country out of the Great Depression. You had to be there to be stirred by this speech because all the radios were in a state of disrepair by then and nobody had the money to get them fixed.

And now it is time for the “Happy Birthday” wishes. Rapper Grand Puba is 42 today and we wish him all the luck in the world and many more birthdays. Chastity Bono is 39 today and it hardly seems possible. My they grow up quickly! Rock singer Evan Dando (Lemonheads) is 41 and we hope he enjoys his day. Jazz musician Jason Marsalis is 31 and please have a solo on us. And actress Andrea Bowen (Desperate Housewives) is 18 and really finding out about life at an early age.

So that’s it for now history lovers. Don’t forget to grab a RSS feed so you won’t miss any installments of our award winning News Briefs or our Date With History

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We begin today’s NewsLink Briefs with a report that OJ will be going to trial soon on robbery charges stemming from some shenanigans in Las Vegas last year. Simpson was seen to be jumping up and down with joy after hearing the news. Our intrepid reporter notes that he kept saying “Get me Johnny Cochran. Get me Johnny Cochran” until someone reminded him that Johnny died some time ago.

And why did Johnny die? Some of us may be wondering why OJ is out running around and allegedly committing more felonies while his lawyer is deceased. Although it does seems fair in the sense that anybody who comes up with the slogan “If the glove doesn’t fit you must acquit” should be punished in some way.

Probably the Grim Reaper was pretty ticked off when OJ wasn’t convicted the first time for his crimes. And he took it out on Johnny. That seems a little harsh although it is understandable.

But OJ doesn’t understand any of this. He thinks he is some kind of Superman who ran through NFL tacklers and Judge Ito like they were not even there. He really does live in another world. And it is unlikely he will ever go to jail.

In fact it is unlikely he will ever die. Two hundred years from now everybody is going to be wondering who this dude is and why won’t he stop trying to bag old ladies in the street.

Actually he is more like Lex Luther than Superman. But he thinks he is Superman.

Hopefully he will try to fly off a thirty story building some day. I know the Grim Reaper hopes he will too.

In other news the USDA in the wake of the largest beef recall in US history announced new steps to ensure the safety of our meat. There are going to be more random inspections of slaughterhouses and immediate audits of plants that supply meat for federal programs.

Let me see if I understand this. If I go out to dinner I have to depend on random inspections. Maybe they will do six instead of four inspections in an area the size of Ohio. But the folks who get meat from government programs can be happy knowing that their meat was audited!!

I want my meat audited too! My meat needs to be inspected just as much as their meat does. If I get sick and die because my meat was not audited I am going to look up Johnny Cochran. And after he gets done telling me what is going to happen to OJ someday we are going to come back and talk to the guy who came up with this new process. His name is Ed Schafer and he is the Agriculture Secretary.

And if he knows about agriculture he probably knows about OJ. It should be lovely meeting. Maybe we can discuss apples and bananas too if there is time.

Just as long as there is time to go visit Robert Byrd in the hospital and see how his back is doing. Our intrepid reporter has heard that he is feeling better and tried to give a speech while standing on a table in the dining room yesterday. He was apparently unaware that many of the patients in the room suffered from various forms of psychoses.

And they gave him a round of applause unlike anything he has heard for twenty years in the Senate.

It may be difficult to get him to leave once his back feels better.

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The other day we were musing about the US President whoever he or she may be next year being given greater power for various good purposes. One of them would be permission to go down to the Senate and kick some butt. And to specifically kick anybody over the age of eighty back to their home state so we can have some younger blood at the helm. Maybe we could even find someone who is say, 65, to be in charge of some of the important decisions that need to be made.

Well, Senator Byrd must have read my post because he admitted himself to Walter Reed Army Hospital yesterday. He was having some back pain. I wonder why back pain requires a hospital admission? Maybe he is just hiding out. Maybe he thinks that the current President is going to show up and kick his butt.

He shouldn’t worry about that. I was hoping a long time ago that President Bush would challenge Saddam Hussein to fight on the White House lawn. Because I think the President who has some problems but is always in shape could have beat Saddam into the ground. And that would have been something every guy in the Middle East would have understood. Because they really aren’t impressed by cruise missiles. That’s too high tech for them. But a good butt kicking is something every guy over there understands. And their wives understand it too. Probably they understand it better than anybody. But President Bush had precious little experience with hand to hand combat when he was in the military. And he is pretty fond of cruise missiles. . .

Saddam would have agreed to it too. All they had to do was make him an offer he couldn’t refuse. “Alright, Saddam. If you beat President Bush then we will put off your hanging for six months. ” I bet he would have gone for that. But the President never made the offer and now, of course, now it is too late. Thanks to cell phone technology we were able to witness Saddam’s date with a very impressive rope. And so we will never see him tussle with the President.

Too bad.

So Senator Byrd has a bad back and is third in line to be President of the US. He is also ninety years old and has never seen a dollar that he didn’t want to spend on his beloved state of West Virginia. But something about all of this does not comfort me. It doesn’t take very long to count to three. And when I get there I want to find something that makes me happy. The idea that the most powerful country in the history of the known universe is so very close to being run by a ninety year old guy who has to be admitted to the hospital for a bad back is . . . what? What word would you put in here? Frightening? Insane? Pretty funny?

We are one pretzel and one defibrillator with a bad battery away from having a ninety year old man who likes to hallucinate while he is giving three hour speeches about the tree in his back yard as the leader of our country. Should this concern us? No? Good.

But Maybe Senator Byrd needs to stop certain kinds of activity in case the unimaginable happens. And speaking of the unimaginable what do you think he might have been doing to hurt his back?

You don’t think he was consulting with one of his more attractive female constituents do you? No. That’s not possible. It’s more likely that Saddam will come back from the Mother of all Hot Spots where he now resides and stand on the White House lawn calling for the President to come out and play.

Senator Byrd just needed a nap and was having trouble getting some snooze time in his office. There was just too much noise. And the Senate Floor was closed so he couldn’t go in there and sleep.

I am sure he will be back soon since it is clear his goal is to be “Working” in the Senate when he turns one hundred.

And I am hoping the cameras will be rolling when that happens. I enjoy watching these guys fall out while they are giving speeches. And I was disappointed when Saddam gave his because he didn’t give it in English.

Unfortunately there were no subtitles.

Cell phone technology hasn’t come that far.

Yet.

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