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NewsLink Briefs would like to endorse a candidate in the ongoing Presidential Sweepstakes. But our candidate is not running. And none of the candidates who are running impress us. Because we have not heard any of them talk about our issues. “What issues are those?” you might ask.

Didn’t you read our previous editorial? We propose the closing of all factories that make cars, buses or other gas powered vehicles. Just shut them down. This will help remove the threat of Global Warming. I don’t want my house here in Richmond, Virginia to become beach front property. Sure it would be more valuable because beach front property is not cheap. But many of our friends and relatives would be under water.

The two things just don’t quite balance out. Our candidate is Arnold the Movie Star out there in California. And we are not going to say his last name because it is too long and we can’t spell it. Besides, he needs to change his name to something that sounds more American before he runs.

We suggest Arnold Shagger. It’s must shorter. And it makes subtle reference to another of our favorite movie stars. Carry on!

President Shagger we feel sure would signal the necessity of cleaning up the environment. Everybody in California cares about that! And we were impressed with the way he handled the crab-like creature that stalked him in the woods in the movie Predator (“If it bleeds we can kill it”).

This movie was made a long time after he made Hercules In New York. Please don’t confuse Arnold with that New York guy who is thankfully out of the race.

Arnold understands that everyone needs housing. And he isn’t afraid to use a flame thrower to make his point.

We suggest using a contingent of flame throwers to eliminate all the unsightly inner city residences that discourage a happy and productive environment from taking root where it is needed most . Build parks! Plant trees! Throw down flower beds and let animals graze as they probably did three hundred years ago in the center of Boston or Detroit.

And what should Arnold do with all the people who are left homeless when their homes are razed? Give them house boats! Let them live off the coast in little colonies of house boats. None of them will have to worry about keeping up their lawns. And they can fish for food!

What did somebody once say about giving away fish? Give someone a fish and they are hungry again by midnight. But teach them to fish and they will have something to eat every day! They may get very tired of eating fish. But you can’t have everything.

We have much more to say about these revolutionary concepts. But there is not time today to really get into the details. Let’s just say that Arnold demonstrated in True Lies that he understands the concept. Remember when Jamie Lee Curtis was hanging off that helicopter over the waters off Florida?

Arnold understands that everyone can hang out in the ocean and end up safe and sound at the end of the day. They can always find someone to tow them into a safe harbor in the event of a storm. And then they can ride their electric bicycles to safety once they are back on dry land. I consulted with a house boat expert during the writing of this piece and he told me this. “Yes there will be times when a house boater may have to come ashore. But for your average storm another technique they can use is to simply tie many houseboats together. Form a flotilla just as the Spanish did when they went to visit Queen Elizabeth and their English friends. This has the advantage of creating a sense of community”.

Fascinating.

None of the announced candidates have come close to dealing with any of these important issues. So we must wait another four years. By that time we should have our program laid out in much greater detail. And Arnold will be ready.

He should be able to come up with a new story about being born in NYC by then.

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We are still disturbed by yesterday’s news that OUR meat will not be audited like the federal program meat. So we are going to go downtown and join the Richmond Food Bank program this afternoon. If you run a day care program you can join this program and get tons of food for about five dollars. The food is donated. And the meat is audited.

Sounds good to us. But the only problem is we don’t have a day care program. Yet. I have several grandchildren though and we are planning to develop an after school Net/Net program. All they have to do is send Grandpa an email and he will send them an automated email back asking about their day. It’s a day care center in cyberspace.

And then we can get our audited meat. And in case you work for the federal government and take issue with this plan let me also say that “This is just a joke”. Because in the news today we see that Virginia’s high court upheld the 9 year prsion term given to Jeremy D. Jaynes. Jeremy was given a sentence that is longer than your average murderer spends in jail because he is “the eighth worst spammer in the world” as noted by The Spamhaus Project’s Registry of etc. . He remains under house arrest while he runs out his appeals.

We are waiting for this one to go to the Supreme Court. At issue are Jeremy’s free speech rights according to Jeremy and his lawyers. Meanwhile Virginia has begun erecting a gallows in downtown Richmond next to the Wally Winkle Historical Theme Park World for Kids in anticipation of catching the number one, two or three worst spammer in the world. This time they hope to avoid all the expensive appeal process and have a Wally World Special Exhibition (one show only) for the kids before they go away for their summer vacations.

In other news 27 students (they are just kids) were charged in a brawl that erupted at a Miami school. Basically the children just wanted to have a protest after one of their own was arrested earlier in the day. “It was a peaceful protest until the cops showed up and started tear gassing everybody including the lunch room staff” stated one of the participants in the peaceful protest. “We tried to reason with them until they got out a rope and threw it over a beam in the middle of the room. Then we knew that we might have to try a different approach” another child said.

The police have a different story (of course). They say (snort, guffaw, bullshrimp!) that the students “Threw chairs and food including their audited meat at the officers”. Get Johnny Cochran! If the meat was bit you must acquit! Check for teeth marks on their burgers. Unless they can find perfect perfect matches with the precious molars of these unappreciated young scholars the WHOLE DEAL MUST BE THROWN OUT!

It’s going to Juvenile Court naturally. Because you can’t send teens to the same jail their parents attend. Fights would break out. Chairs would be thrown. Audited meat would end up stuck in somebody’s ear. And then they would have to pay an audiologist to come in and dig it out.

All of this would be very expensive. So the school authorities in Miami propose an alternative plan. For lunch tomorrow the children will be served wet noodles. And they will be allowed to whip each other with them for five minutes. And from now on they will have to sit on the floor while they eat.

When they learn to behave the chairs will come back. And they can have tomato sauce with their noodles.

Obviously the sides are far apart in this situation. Long hours of negotiation will be needed. Just don’t let the parents participate. Things will become even more complicated and they might have to call in The National Guard.

So that’s it for now. Don’t forget to pick up a RSS feed while you are here. Our RSS feeds are audited so you can be sure they are good.

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