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The White House is floating a new climate proposal these days. And No I am not trying to be funny. There was a cool film made a few years ago that showed some results of global warming. Much of the East Coast was under water and stuff was floating away.

Can the White House float in such an environment? I don’t know. But I’m sure there are a lot of politicians who can float really well. They will float out to sea.

Or maybe the sea will even come to them. Then they can float to Albany, New York or Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. Whatever floats their boats! Teddy might want to consider taking a plane however.

He has not floated well in the past.

In any case the White House proposed some things and some Republicans got mad and accused it of “appeasement”. And then the White House broke and ran.

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The other day we were musing about the US President whoever he or she may be next year being given greater power for various good purposes. One of them would be permission to go down to the Senate and kick some butt. And to specifically kick anybody over the age of eighty back to their home state so we can have some younger blood at the helm. Maybe we could even find someone who is say, 65, to be in charge of some of the important decisions that need to be made.

Well, Senator Byrd must have read my post because he admitted himself to Walter Reed Army Hospital yesterday. He was having some back pain. I wonder why back pain requires a hospital admission? Maybe he is just hiding out. Maybe he thinks that the current President is going to show up and kick his butt.

He shouldn’t worry about that. I was hoping a long time ago that President Bush would challenge Saddam Hussein to fight on the White House lawn. Because I think the President who has some problems but is always in shape could have beat Saddam into the ground. And that would have been something every guy in the Middle East would have understood. Because they really aren’t impressed by cruise missiles. That’s too high tech for them. But a good butt kicking is something every guy over there understands. And their wives understand it too. Probably they understand it better than anybody. But President Bush had precious little experience with hand to hand combat when he was in the military. And he is pretty fond of cruise missiles. . .

Saddam would have agreed to it too. All they had to do was make him an offer he couldn’t refuse. “Alright, Saddam. If you beat President Bush then we will put off your hanging for six months. ” I bet he would have gone for that. But the President never made the offer and now, of course, now it is too late. Thanks to cell phone technology we were able to witness Saddam’s date with a very impressive rope. And so we will never see him tussle with the President.

Too bad.

So Senator Byrd has a bad back and is third in line to be President of the US. He is also ninety years old and has never seen a dollar that he didn’t want to spend on his beloved state of West Virginia. But something about all of this does not comfort me. It doesn’t take very long to count to three. And when I get there I want to find something that makes me happy. The idea that the most powerful country in the history of the known universe is so very close to being run by a ninety year old guy who has to be admitted to the hospital for a bad back is . . . what? What word would you put in here? Frightening? Insane? Pretty funny?

We are one pretzel and one defibrillator with a bad battery away from having a ninety year old man who likes to hallucinate while he is giving three hour speeches about the tree in his back yard as the leader of our country. Should this concern us? No? Good.

But Maybe Senator Byrd needs to stop certain kinds of activity in case the unimaginable happens. And speaking of the unimaginable what do you think he might have been doing to hurt his back?

You don’t think he was consulting with one of his more attractive female constituents do you? No. That’s not possible. It’s more likely that Saddam will come back from the Mother of all Hot Spots where he now resides and stand on the White House lawn calling for the President to come out and play.

Senator Byrd just needed a nap and was having trouble getting some snooze time in his office. There was just too much noise. And the Senate Floor was closed so he couldn’t go in there and sleep.

I am sure he will be back soon since it is clear his goal is to be “Working” in the Senate when he turns one hundred.

And I am hoping the cameras will be rolling when that happens. I enjoy watching these guys fall out while they are giving speeches. And I was disappointed when Saddam gave his because he didn’t give it in English.

Unfortunately there were no subtitles.

Cell phone technology hasn’t come that far.

Yet.

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President Bush said in his weekly radio address that Democratic leaders are blocking needed intelligence information in a bill that is stalled in the House. These leaders responded by saying that when it came to intelligence matters they doubted that he had anything worth responding to and furthermore even if he had sent them something it probably was lost in the mail.

The President responded by saying that he had sent them something and he put extra stamps on it so he was sure they must have received it.

Wherever the bill may be at the present moment sources say that it includes immunity for big telecommunication companies in case they are wiretapping somebody and they get caught. They say it’s just to protect them from terrorists who might want to sue them. But when asked about the definition of a terrorist they indicated that it was pretty much anybody who wanted to sue them.

Our intrepid reporter asked them if they were worried about a terrorist becoming so agitated by their wiretapping methods that he might blow up one of their buildings. And they reported that this didn’t bother them because they liked to work at home and had lots of electronic gear in their bedrooms. Our reporter sensed something was odd about this answer and asked them how they managed to get permission to work in their bedrooms while their coworkers were going to work every day in tall buildings that might get blown up.

And they responded that they didn’t have to ask anybody to do anything because they were in charge and if they wanted to work at home in their beds like Hugh Hefner it was their business. And furthermore if they wanted to screw themselves into a light socket it was their business too.

So it seems that this thing is not going to be settled anytime soon. But these guys are not the only ones worried about being sued. Health Net Inc. , one of California’s largetst health insurers was successfully sued by one of its former customers. Patsy Bates who is not related to the Bates family who owned that disreputable hotel sued these guys after they dropped her in 2004 after she discovered she had breast cancer.

The company indicated that they didn’t know she was sick when they dropped her. And when our intrepid reporter asked them why they dropped her they indicated that it was nothing personal and they picked her name out of a hat. Our intrepid reporter sensing that something was amiss then asked them why they picked names out of a hat.

And they responded that it was something they liked to do at the end of the work week as they prepared to go out and party on Friday night.

So once again we have managed to get to the bottom line in record time. Thanks to our intrepid reporter for. . .Oh wait. We have another News Brief that has just come into our offices.

A winning bid of 3 million dollars for a huge record collection on eBay was apparently a fraud. Pat Mawhinney, 68, has collected nearly 3 million vinyl albums and he would like to sell them because he is having trouble located his wife or his dog Sparky. Recently a pile of records fell on his wife and it took several days to locate her. But even on a good day she is hard to find.

The buyer who is obviously out of his mind to want these things apparently heard a rumor that Sparky has been running all over many of the records and possibly damaging them. Also the refill of his medication came in the mail after he had entered the bidding process and this has changed his perspective considerably.

Mr. Mawhinney is not whining about this disappointing turn of events however. He indicates that he has six more bidders who noticed how much fun the other guy was having and decided they wanted to join in the festivities.

Our intrepid reporter noticed however that all six of these bidders have the same address and it is at a downtown location known for its top notch emergency room procedures.

Has anybody contacted Ted Turner? He has all those old movies collecting dust somewhere. Maybe they are lonely. Hopefully Mr. Macwhinney has been keeping all the dust covers clean. Mold can be such a problem when you have at least a million dust covers in your basement.

And that’s it for today News Brief fans. Don’t forget to grab your RSS feed by the sidebar and stay tuned for more hard hitting and snug fitting news.

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