NewsLink Briefs

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Manson Family In The News again! from Wire Reports dated 3/29/08

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Yard of Charles Manson’s Home Not Dug Up

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Yet. But if they find any evidence of bodies they are going to get busy with the shovels. Barker Ranch once provided shelter for the Helter Skelter gang including our old favorite Charlie “I’m Freaking Amazing” Manson. “And where is Barker Ranch located?” you might ask. Well, guess what?! It is located in Death Valley.

So there you have it. Putting two and two together Sheriff Bill Lutze decided it was time to start using sound waves to detect any crime that may have happened long ago. Why worry about it? Charlie is in jail and he freaked people out so badly they gave him five thousand years. With time off for good behavior that means he shouldn’t be out before he reaches age 72.

When asked if there were any bodies buried at the ranch Charlie said “Frankly I don’t remember. I was so busy back then it has all become a blur to me. All I wish is that I had another chance to live my life over again. Because it was so much fun the first time. When’s my next parole hearing? “

Former governor of Alabama Don Siegelman was released from federal prison yesterday after spending nine months in the slammer. Asked how he felt he said,” I may have lost my freedom for awhile but I never lost my faith.”

“Besides I watched what Martha Stewart did in West Virginia. If she can do it so can I. And I learned to crochet like a pro.” A judge ordered Siegelman released while he pursues his appeals.

And in separate news five million other inmates in US prisons petitioned the court to be released while they pursue their appeals. We may be saving a lot of money on prison food by the end of next week.

Two brothers have filed suit against the City of San Fransisco after they were attacked by a tiger who exited the San Fransisco Zoo and was taking a walk while he looked for something to eat.

Their attorney submitted papers on behalf of the two brothers this past week seeking compensation for “serious injury and emotional injury”.

The zoo’s attorney spoke up on behalf of his client suggesting that the tiger had no knowledge that he was breaking any laws. He simply was hungry and when the two brothers started to run he naturally chased them. “The two brothers looked like they were having fun. They were jumping up and down and screaming. One of them tried to climb a tree which is illegal in San Fransisco.”

“Our client gave them notice that he intended to eat them when he growled but they continued to play. “

Well they are still here so perhaps the tiger just snacked on them for awhile or they got away! The article doesn’t say!

And that’s all for today NewsLink Brief fans. I have a terrible cold today and can barely walk, talk or think of my name. So be happy you got something out of me even though it wasn’t very funny. Did you ever try to write something humorous when you felt like crap? I thought I would try it just to see what happens.

And now I know. Oh well. It’s time to lay down and rest some more.

Popularity: 46% [?]

Tags: barker ranch, be happy, blog, charles manson, charlesmanson, charlie, city, Day, death, death valley, don siegelman, faith, family, fan, favorite, federal prison, form, freedom, fun, governor of alabama, happy, having fun, helter skelter, home, humor, humor blog, humorblog, jump, king, Life, lion, lot, manson family, martha stewart, May, money, News, NewsLink Briefs, oh, ovid, owl, people, prisons, run, slammer, time, virginia, west virginia

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A class action suit is being brought by some of Vermont’s prison inmates over the food they receive. They don’t like Nutraloaf. And unless someone starts building Hardee’s Restaurants inside Vermont prisons and staffing them with Hooters waitresses they will continue to pursue their rights in court. And they also want Charlize Theron to entertain them with her performance from Two Days In The Valley while they eat.

In other news the AP reports that people should toss out cantaloupes from a Honduran firm believed to be linked to a salmonella outbreak. Authorities note, however, that this does not mean you can toss these babies out your car window when traveling at excess speed through the center of town.

There is a proper way to dispose of your cantaloupe. And ignorance of the right way to do it is no excuse in a court of law.

In other news fleeing drug traffickers off Nicaragua’s coast dumped 3,300 pounds of cocaine into the ocean before escaping. Divers tried to retrieve the packages but were hampered by throngs of tourists who were thrashing about in the water. Fishing boats were also seen to be entering the area in great numbers and the price of fish was skyrocketing as the weekend approached.

And finally Russian says the killing of two journalists from the violence ridden Russian providence of Dagestan are not related. Television reporter Ilyas Shurpayev was found dead on Friday and later that day the head of Dagestan’s state controlled television channel was also killed.

“This is just a coincidence. The murders are not related to each other” said Shamil Guseivov, deputy police chief in Dagestan’s capital. ” The same bullet was not used in each case so they cannot be related. Also they did not happen at the same time and two different criminals were executed. I mean two different journalists died. Probably they both had heart attacks. But we will get to the bottom of this incident”.

“Before Sunday because we want to start the new week off with a blank sheet of paper. So we will have room for the names of more journalists.“

And that’s all the news we have for you western dumkoff’s today. Grab your feed and hold tightly onto it because you never know when the news will happen.

And try to buy some fish for your dinner tonight. Remember. Fish from Nicaragua. Good. Cantaloupes from Honduras. Bad.

And Stay away from Dagestan. All of the time.

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More News Briefs

Popularity: 49% [?]

Tags: amp, Author, blog, boat, boats, car, Charlize, Charlize Theron, class action suit, cocaine, coincidence, Day, drug traffickers, fish, fishing, form, great, heart, heart attacks, hooters waitresses, humor, humor blog, humorblog, News, news briefs, NewsLink Briefs, nutraloaf, ocean, ovid, people, prison inmates, prisons, salmonella outbreak, sky, speed, sun, television, time

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ASTRONAUTS ATTACH ARMS OF HELPER ROBOT From Wire Reports 3/17/08

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As some of you may know the space shuttle went back into space recently and one of its prime goals is to work on Dextre the one hundred foot tall robot who is standing on top of the space station at this moment and waving to us all. If you go outside tonight with your child’s telescope and point it towards the space station you will see Dextre waving and you can wave back at him.

He will enjoy that. He has been lonely up there.

But at least he can wave and do other things now since two astronauts attached a fifty foot arm to his body yesterday preparing Dextre for his new job as handyman in outer space.

Here are some of Dextre’s new duties as outlined by NASA in an official news release:

1/ Dextre shall wave at earth’s citizens when they wave at him and be a good ambassador in space.

2/ Dextre shall wave at other passing spacecraft including UFO’s from distant galaxies. However if one of the unknown variety should get within one hundred feet of the space station he will take a swing at it and hopefully expose the strange looking beings inside to the harsh environment of outer space. Hahaha. Let’s see how they like some of them apples.

3/ Dextre shall fix things that fall off the space station. First he will grab them when they fall off and then he will reattach them using his robot skills learned from watching Bill Gates here on earth.

4/ Dextre shall welcome all astronauts who approach the space station in the space shuttle. He will call out their names and help them dock in a safe and timely manner. However, if any of them start to act crazy and want to take the space shuttle to Texas while they are wearing diapers he will restrain them until they can be arrested and taken back to Florida for a speedy trial.

5/ Dextre will under no circumstances ever be allowed to watch 2001: A Space Odyssey.

6/ If the space station ever starts rapidly going around in circles so that Dextre is flung off into outer space every attempt will be made to find him and return him to his new home. Under no circumstances will robot jokes ever be made while he is listening or after he has been flung off into outer space.

7/ Dextre has been designed to lug around the big replacement parts that now require an astronaut to do some heavy lifting. Under no circumstances will Dextre be used for things that are not part of his job description. Specifically at no time will Dextre be allowed to clean the windows on the space shuttle or take out the trash.

8/ And finally if any space station resident should notice Dextre looking in the window at him/her and smiling please refrain from shouting or acting surprised. It’s lonely in outer space as Elton John has been telling us for decades. Don’t hurt Dextre’s feelings. Treat him well and he will treat you well.

Frankly, we don’t even want to think about the alternative.

Popularity: 36% [?]

Tags: 2001 a space odyssey, astronauts, bill gates, blog, citizens, Crazy, Day, dextre, earth, feelings, home, hope, humor, humor blog, humorblog, job, jokes, king, May, nasa, nasarobot, News, news release, NewsLink Briefs, oh, rain, space, space shuttle, space station, speed, tall robot, time, trial

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BRITISH OFFICIALS FIND COCA PLANTATION IN JUNGLE –From Wire Reports 3/17/08

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And our intrepid reporter was on the scene to record this conversation. . .

First Official: Jeeves! What have we here? By golly I think we have found the location of the Cocoa Puffs production facility!

Second Official: By Jove I think you are right! But why would they make them out here in this godforsaken jungle? I almost stepped on a snake back there! And all these mosquitoes!

Third Official: No. No. You idiots! This looks like a laboratory to manufacture cocaine. You both really do need to get out more. Look over there! Why would everyone start scampering into the woods upon our arrival if all they were doing was making breakfast cereal?

First Official: Why yes dear boy. I think you may have a point there. Look. Tell the General to round up some of his men and go have a talk with a few of those fellows. My! How they do dart back and forth. General! Bring that one over here. I wish to ask him a few questions.

General Meege: Yes sir.

Several soldiers grab a man with unfashionable clothing who looks to need a bath and shave and drag him towards the group of officials.

Second Official: Say there young man. What in the world do you think you are doing out here in Brazil’s Amazon region making this nasty mess?

Young Man: You don’t like Cocoa Puffs sir? My little sister loves them very much. She finds that eating them is the best way to start her day. She is “Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs! And my twelve other brothers and sisters all like them too”!

Third Official: Now don’t try to fool us with that old routine sir. Who do you think you are dealing with here?

Young Man: I’m sorry. I really don’t know who I am dealing with because I just woke up and you all did not send word that you would be here so early in the morning.

General Meege: Gentlemen I don’t think we will be getting much of the truth out of this one. This is a bad situation. This environment is not good for cocaine production. They like to go up into the Andes Mountains. They like Peru or Colombia but you see what happens when they are driven from one place to another.

Third Official: You mean to say that there are still cocaine labs out here after all this time? Why we have spent billions of dollars trying to get rid of them. What do you suggest we do about this problem?

General Meege: Duck!

First Official: What? Duck? Duck What? I had duck last night for dinner and it was very. . .

General Meege: Get down you idiot! They have turned around and are coming back!

Second Official: Oh well in that case I suggest we all go back to the hotel and have breakfast. How about you fellows? I think we have had enough exercise for one morning.

Third Official: Yes. Grab that jeep over there. Good-bye General. Nice to have met you young man. Please keep us informed. We have reports to write. How does poached eggs and salmon sound to you boys? Good-bye!

Popularity: 24% [?]

Tags: amazon, amazon region, amp, boy, breakfast, breakfast cereal, british officials, brothers and sisters, cocaine, corruption, davidlind, Day, eggs, exercise, fashion, form, god, humor, humor blog, humorblog, intrepid reporter, king, lion, lot, love, May, middle, Morning, mountains, NewsLink Briefs, oh, photo, record, scene, snake, snow, time