NewsLink Briefs

Sin is geographical. ~Bertrand Russell

It’s time we have a talk boys and girls. And I know you wonder why I call you boys and girls when you haven’t been in the third grade for at least a couple of decades.

And you have understood about life and where baby rabbits come from for a good while too. And if you are so old you can’t remember the names of all the characters in Bambi I can sympathize with you.

Because I can’t remember any of their names either including Bambi’s.

So let’s get down to business and talk about gas prices. Because they are pretty high and maybe going a lot higher.

Why is that sisters and brothers?

Because.

Because we want them that way. And before you have a fit and start beating your head against the desk let me say that I am not talking about you personally. Or me either for that matter. I am talking about the “We” in the Declaration of Independence. As in “We the People” decided when we elected certain people that we wanted high gas prices. And the higher the better.

Are Teddy Kennedy or Joe Biden going to vote for legislation that will ease the regulatory burden so more refineries can be built? Because the bottleneck caused by too few refineries (especially after a hurricane or two!) keeps gas prices high. Are these guys and their friends going to vote for oil drilling in Alaska so the supply of oil can be increased?

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The White House is floating a new climate proposal these days. And No I am not trying to be funny. There was a cool film made a few years ago that showed some results of global warming. Much of the East Coast was under water and stuff was floating away.

Can the White House float in such an environment? I don’t know. But I’m sure there are a lot of politicians who can float really well. They will float out to sea.

Or maybe the sea will even come to them. Then they can float to Albany, New York or Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. Whatever floats their boats! Teddy might want to consider taking a plane however.

He has not floated well in the past.

In any case the White House proposed some things and some Republicans got mad and accused it of “appeasement”. And then the White House broke and ran.

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NewsLink Briefs would like to endorse a candidate in the ongoing Presidential Sweepstakes. But our candidate is not running. And none of the candidates who are running impress us. Because we have not heard any of them talk about our issues. “What issues are those?” you might ask.

Didn’t you read our previous editorial? We propose the closing of all factories that make cars, buses or other gas powered vehicles. Just shut them down. This will help remove the threat of Global Warming. I don’t want my house here in Richmond, Virginia to become beach front property. Sure it would be more valuable because beach front property is not cheap. But many of our friends and relatives would be under water.

The two things just don’t quite balance out. Our candidate is Arnold the Movie Star out there in California. And we are not going to say his last name because it is too long and we can’t spell it. Besides, he needs to change his name to something that sounds more American before he runs.

We suggest Arnold Shagger. It’s must shorter. And it makes subtle reference to another of our favorite movie stars. Carry on!

President Shagger we feel sure would signal the necessity of cleaning up the environment. Everybody in California cares about that! And we were impressed with the way he handled the crab-like creature that stalked him in the woods in the movie Predator (“If it bleeds we can kill it”).

This movie was made a long time after he made Hercules In New York. Please don’t confuse Arnold with that New York guy who is thankfully out of the race.

Arnold understands that everyone needs housing. And he isn’t afraid to use a flame thrower to make his point.

We suggest using a contingent of flame throwers to eliminate all the unsightly inner city residences that discourage a happy and productive environment from taking root where it is needed most . Build parks! Plant trees! Throw down flower beds and let animals graze as they probably did three hundred years ago in the center of Boston or Detroit.

And what should Arnold do with all the people who are left homeless when their homes are razed? Give them house boats! Let them live off the coast in little colonies of house boats. None of them will have to worry about keeping up their lawns. And they can fish for food!

What did somebody once say about giving away fish? Give someone a fish and they are hungry again by midnight. But teach them to fish and they will have something to eat every day! They may get very tired of eating fish. But you can’t have everything.

We have much more to say about these revolutionary concepts. But there is not time today to really get into the details. Let’s just say that Arnold demonstrated in True Lies that he understands the concept. Remember when Jamie Lee Curtis was hanging off that helicopter over the waters off Florida?

Arnold understands that everyone can hang out in the ocean and end up safe and sound at the end of the day. They can always find someone to tow them into a safe harbor in the event of a storm. And then they can ride their electric bicycles to safety once they are back on dry land. I consulted with a house boat expert during the writing of this piece and he told me this. “Yes there will be times when a house boater may have to come ashore. But for your average storm another technique they can use is to simply tie many houseboats together. Form a flotilla just as the Spanish did when they went to visit Queen Elizabeth and their English friends. This has the advantage of creating a sense of community”.

Fascinating.

None of the announced candidates have come close to dealing with any of these important issues. So we must wait another four years. By that time we should have our program laid out in much greater detail. And Arnold will be ready.

He should be able to come up with a new story about being born in NYC by then.

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With elections looming later this year here in the U.S. it is time to give serious thought to changing laws that hamper the President as he tries to do his job. We need someone who has the power to do some good.

Let’s look at Global Warming for example. Our next President may want to do something about it. He or she may want to close down the factories that create pollution producing vehicles. That would be difficult to do in today’s environment.

Besides you would still have factories in China that would be adding millions of new workers to their payrolls to take up the slack. And it is unlikely they will respond in a positive way to a request to stop what they are doing.
But once a new President who is backed up by new laws and powers has shut their factories down for them everyone else should pretty much fall in line. And once all the factories around the world are shut down Global Warming will cease to be a problem. Cars that are already on the road won’t be able to be repaired and will gradually pile up and be buried in new parks around the nation.

Electric powered bicycles will be the new form of mass transportation. How big does an electric engine need to be to power a two hundred and fifty pound man up a hill? Especially after it has run out of steam a few times and he has had to walk it up a few hills. He’s going to lose weight just so he can get where he is going. So in this example we see multiple problems being resolved once the main problem is addressed.

But none of this will happen until the new President has the power to make it happen. And while we are at it why not give him the power to fire Senators over the age of eighty. Shouldn’t they retire? And what if they refuse? Well, in that case, there should be a law that states the President whoever he or she may be gets to come down to the Senate and kick the stubborn old fool’s butt all the way back to say West Virginia.

We can solve problems in this country but first we have to get serious about wanting to do it. Grab a RSS feed for unique and compelling commentary as well as snug fitting and hard hitting news briefs.

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