NewsLink Briefs

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Manson Family In The News again! from Wire Reports dated 3/29/08

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Yard of Charles Manson’s Home Not Dug Up

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Yet. But if they find any evidence of bodies they are going to get busy with the shovels. Barker Ranch once provided shelter for the Helter Skelter gang including our old favorite Charlie “I’m Freaking Amazing” Manson. “And where is Barker Ranch located?” you might ask. Well, guess what?! It is located in Death Valley.

So there you have it. Putting two and two together Sheriff Bill Lutze decided it was time to start using sound waves to detect any crime that may have happened long ago. Why worry about it? Charlie is in jail and he freaked people out so badly they gave him five thousand years. With time off for good behavior that means he shouldn’t be out before he reaches age 72.

When asked if there were any bodies buried at the ranch Charlie said “Frankly I don’t remember. I was so busy back then it has all become a blur to me. All I wish is that I had another chance to live my life over again. Because it was so much fun the first time. When’s my next parole hearing? “

Former governor of Alabama Don Siegelman was released from federal prison yesterday after spending nine months in the slammer. Asked how he felt he said,” I may have lost my freedom for awhile but I never lost my faith.”

“Besides I watched what Martha Stewart did in West Virginia. If she can do it so can I. And I learned to crochet like a pro.” A judge ordered Siegelman released while he pursues his appeals.

And in separate news five million other inmates in US prisons petitioned the court to be released while they pursue their appeals. We may be saving a lot of money on prison food by the end of next week.

Two brothers have filed suit against the City of San Fransisco after they were attacked by a tiger who exited the San Fransisco Zoo and was taking a walk while he looked for something to eat.

Their attorney submitted papers on behalf of the two brothers this past week seeking compensation for “serious injury and emotional injury”.

The zoo’s attorney spoke up on behalf of his client suggesting that the tiger had no knowledge that he was breaking any laws. He simply was hungry and when the two brothers started to run he naturally chased them. “The two brothers looked like they were having fun. They were jumping up and down and screaming. One of them tried to climb a tree which is illegal in San Fransisco.”

“Our client gave them notice that he intended to eat them when he growled but they continued to play. “

Well they are still here so perhaps the tiger just snacked on them for awhile or they got away! The article doesn’t say!

And that’s all for today NewsLink Brief fans. I have a terrible cold today and can barely walk, talk or think of my name. So be happy you got something out of me even though it wasn’t very funny. Did you ever try to write something humorous when you felt like crap? I thought I would try it just to see what happens.

And now I know. Oh well. It’s time to lay down and rest some more.

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The judge in the corruption trial of a certain person says that the names of the jurors will be kept secret. Opening statements are set to begin in the trial of someone today. And we won’t say his or her name here because in the past this person was associated with someone else who is now running for high office. The judge did leave the door open to releasing some information later.

She noted that information about the assassination of JFK was due to be released fifty years after his death or in just a few years. So she felt we should all be patient and realize that before we all know it the information will be in our cold, dead hands.

The 52 year old defendant who is accused of shaking down companies with money to invest and perhaps (although this is highly unlikely) letting the money sit somewhere near someone who might have picked it up on his or her way to a campaign meeting.

He denies wrongdoing.

A former navy sailor was convicted of “leaking” (haha) details about ship movements to suspected terrorist supporters. Jurors convicted Hassan AbuJihaad, 32, of Phoenix of providing material support to terrorists and disclosing classified national defense information. The convicted sailor faces 25 years in federal prison for (among other things) passing along a drawing of his battle group’s formation and other data before it passed through the dangerous Strait of Hormuz in the Persian Gulf on April 29, 2001.

Mr. Jihaad stated in his defense motion that he was only making an April Fools joke and thought these were acceptable up to and including the last day of April. He also stated that he thought everyone would know it was a joke because, after all, his name was Mr. Jihaad! What fool with a name like that would actually try to sneak something important to his terrorist buds?

And even if he was that stupid wasn’t it clear that he was sorry and would not do it again if they just let him go back to Pakistan and take care of his elderly mother and five wives?

And finally the state of New York fined the personal corporation of Democratic Senate candidate Al Franken $25,000 for not carrying workers’ compensation insurance for almost three years. It was noted that they had sent him notices about this problem but he had apparently not received them.

But now he is aware of the problem and hopes to pay the fine once he is able to contact someone who is on trial somewhere near the Great Lakes.

Anything more that we might say about this could be construed as a political statement. And we don’t want to go there. This is The News. These are News Briefs. And BTW we would like to apologize for suggesting the inner cities of America be razed and parks established in their place. Our wife has reminded us that we have close relatives who live in the center of Boston, Buffalo and Miami. None of them want to move. None of them want to go live in a house boat.

None of them particularly like to fish and they prefer to eat steak. They especially like Filet Mignon once it has traveled through a meat grinder.

So we are very sorry about our suggestions although we think that bringing Pol Pot into the discussion is unfair and underhanded. Maybe the inner cities can be rehabilitated in another way and all the wonderful folks who live there can stay close to home.

Aren’t there rivers running through most cities? Isn’t that why a city is built in the first place? A nice river is found and everyone wants to live near it? So why not put all the house boats in the river that runs through the inner city? And once everyone has moved on to the river the old tenements and slumlord dwellings can be used for some other purpose.

Maybe suburban dwellers can be convinced to buy them up and rehab them by the millions? A moratorium on building new homes could go into effect until all the inner city dwellings are fixed up! The new President could share the news in his weekly radio address!

What a great idea! No flame throwers! No parks! Just new paint and furniture too! But who would live there after they are all fixed up? I don’t know! We will have to figure that out. Let us know what you think!

We can’t be expected to come up with all the answers in just one News Brief. So grab your RSS and return for more solutions to pressing problems SOON!

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