NewsLink Briefs

Sin is geographical. ~Bertrand Russell

It’s time we have a talk boys and girls. And I know you wonder why I call you boys and girls when you haven’t been in the third grade for at least a couple of decades.

And you have understood about life and where baby rabbits come from for a good while too. And if you are so old you can’t remember the names of all the characters in Bambi I can sympathize with you.

Because I can’t remember any of their names either including Bambi’s.

So let’s get down to business and talk about gas prices. Because they are pretty high and maybe going a lot higher.

Why is that sisters and brothers?

Because.

Because we want them that way. And before you have a fit and start beating your head against the desk let me say that I am not talking about you personally. Or me either for that matter. I am talking about the “We” in the Declaration of Independence. As in “We the People” decided when we elected certain people that we wanted high gas prices. And the higher the better.

Are Teddy Kennedy or Joe Biden going to vote for legislation that will ease the regulatory burden so more refineries can be built? Because the bottleneck caused by too few refineries (especially after a hurricane or two!) keeps gas prices high. Are these guys and their friends going to vote for oil drilling in Alaska so the supply of oil can be increased?

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Eliot Spitzer today went a long way towards improving his image and possibly getting himself chosen as Hillary Clinton’s running mate. “I used to be the guy everybody hated”. He said. “I was after everybody. If you had dirt under one fingernail I could find it.” Bill Clinton wouldn’t answer my phone calls. Now he wants to have me to dinner”.

All of this after the NY Governor was busted for sending thousands of dollars to a high class group of prostitutes. Were these donations to a charitable trust? I don’t think so.

“I had reached the top of the ladder and now I’m on a new ladder. Hillary hates my guts but Bill understands. A lot of guys understand. I was desperate. Everybody hated me. It’s tough being the governor of a big state and not being able to have sex with a beautiful woman.”

“But now I’m in the national spotlight AND I may be available for a new job in a couple of days. I can get dates again. Nobody is afraid of me any more. They all know the days of hard hitting investigations are over. I’m a loser just like some of them. They understand me and I’m probably going to be single in a short time too.”

“I’m pretty excited.”

You go Eliot! Just try to stay out of jail.

Meanwhile closer to the ground Justin Timberlake was doing his impression of Dane Cook kissing Charlize Theron on the butt.

“Nobody has gotten into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame looking this damn fine”. Is Keith Richards in their already? That’s who Justin must have been thinking about and I can appreciate his attempt to make another human being feel good on her special day.

Justin. Deborah Harry is in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Congratulations to Madonna on her induction. I remember all those years you spent teaching young girls about the wonders of the material life and other good stuff. Until one day you finally grew up and changed A LOT. What comments do you have for all those girls who listened to you back then Material Girl?

“Sorry.”

“Hope you didn’t end up in jail or lose your soul. “

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Presidential hopeful John McCain noticed on Friday that Mr. Obama’s advisor (no longer in this capacity) was getting far too much press for being a nasty person . And so he decided to try and catch up. On an airplane with a New York Times reporter he forgot that he still has to actually win the election before he can start cutting off reporters while they are trying to get under his skin.

Maybe a medical analogy would help him understand the situation. Reporters
are like surgeons who are doing exploratory surgery. They are trying to “open the candidates up” so they can see “what makes them tick” although many reporters feel they already have the answer to that question in this case.

They quite openly admit that they sense a time bomb ticking away just under a very thin layer of epidermis covering the candidate’s chrome dome. The only question they have is what kind of explosive is rigged up to the timer. Is it dynamite? Or is it a small nuclear device?

Only time will tell. But almost everyone believes it won’t take long to find out. Bets have already been placed and they cover two months from now as well as next week or possibly tomorrow.

Hide the children and small pets. The candidate is in the neighborhood.

The reporter in question, Ms. Elisabeth Bumiller, asked Mr. McCain about a conversation he reportedly had with Senator Kerry prior to the last presidential election. It is said that Kerry asked McCain to be his running mate. And Ms. Bumiller wanted to know more about the conversation.

McCain was asked if he recalled the conversation and he said, ” I don’t know what you read or heard of and I don’t know the circumstances. Maybe in May of 04 I hadn’t had a conversation. ”

Sounds fairly coherent but then he says “it’s well known that I had the conversation. It’s absolutely well known by everybody. So do you have a question on another issue?” Asked again about the conversation he said “the issue is closed as far as I’m concerned. Everybody knows it. Everybody knows it in America.” (Translation: “Shut up Bumiller and sit down! You must not be an American if YOU don’t know it.)

Then he started chasing her around the plane. Well maybe that didn’t happen.

Reportedly the feisty candidate kept cutting off Ms. Bumiller. His temperature was rising. How high do you think it can go?

I bet somebody out there RIGHT NOW is already working on THE campaign ad featuring the little girl who is talking to herself while she is picking the petals off a daisy. It will be updated and repackaged of course. Maybe she will be chewing gum and have some jewelry stuck through her nose.

But in the background you will hear reporters asking John McCain questions that annoy him. And you will hear his standard replies “Do you have another question?” and then this “Hey Lady! Shut your pie hole and go sit in the back of the plane. In fact here’s a parachute. Leave. Hopefully you can find the rip cord before your ugly butt bounces off the ground!”

“In fact don’t bother! Let’s settle this right here and now!”

Then there will be a flash of light and a huge mushroom cloud.

Mr. Obama understands all of this very well. He comes across as being very calm and patient. Somehow Mr. McCain managed to pass him this week in the Nasty Person Sweepstakes!

Congratulations Senator! That was not an easy thing to do!

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NewsLink Briefs would like to endorse a candidate in the ongoing Presidential Sweepstakes. But our candidate is not running. And none of the candidates who are running impress us. Because we have not heard any of them talk about our issues. “What issues are those?” you might ask.

Didn’t you read our previous editorial? We propose the closing of all factories that make cars, buses or other gas powered vehicles. Just shut them down. This will help remove the threat of Global Warming. I don’t want my house here in Richmond, Virginia to become beach front property. Sure it would be more valuable because beach front property is not cheap. But many of our friends and relatives would be under water.

The two things just don’t quite balance out. Our candidate is Arnold the Movie Star out there in California. And we are not going to say his last name because it is too long and we can’t spell it. Besides, he needs to change his name to something that sounds more American before he runs.

We suggest Arnold Shagger. It’s must shorter. And it makes subtle reference to another of our favorite movie stars. Carry on!

President Shagger we feel sure would signal the necessity of cleaning up the environment. Everybody in California cares about that! And we were impressed with the way he handled the crab-like creature that stalked him in the woods in the movie Predator (“If it bleeds we can kill it”).

This movie was made a long time after he made Hercules In New York. Please don’t confuse Arnold with that New York guy who is thankfully out of the race.

Arnold understands that everyone needs housing. And he isn’t afraid to use a flame thrower to make his point.

We suggest using a contingent of flame throwers to eliminate all the unsightly inner city residences that discourage a happy and productive environment from taking root where it is needed most . Build parks! Plant trees! Throw down flower beds and let animals graze as they probably did three hundred years ago in the center of Boston or Detroit.

And what should Arnold do with all the people who are left homeless when their homes are razed? Give them house boats! Let them live off the coast in little colonies of house boats. None of them will have to worry about keeping up their lawns. And they can fish for food!

What did somebody once say about giving away fish? Give someone a fish and they are hungry again by midnight. But teach them to fish and they will have something to eat every day! They may get very tired of eating fish. But you can’t have everything.

We have much more to say about these revolutionary concepts. But there is not time today to really get into the details. Let’s just say that Arnold demonstrated in True Lies that he understands the concept. Remember when Jamie Lee Curtis was hanging off that helicopter over the waters off Florida?

Arnold understands that everyone can hang out in the ocean and end up safe and sound at the end of the day. They can always find someone to tow them into a safe harbor in the event of a storm. And then they can ride their electric bicycles to safety once they are back on dry land. I consulted with a house boat expert during the writing of this piece and he told me this. “Yes there will be times when a house boater may have to come ashore. But for your average storm another technique they can use is to simply tie many houseboats together. Form a flotilla just as the Spanish did when they went to visit Queen Elizabeth and their English friends. This has the advantage of creating a sense of community”.

Fascinating.

None of the announced candidates have come close to dealing with any of these important issues. So we must wait another four years. By that time we should have our program laid out in much greater detail. And Arnold will be ready.

He should be able to come up with a new story about being born in NYC by then.

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