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ASTRONAUTS ATTACH ARMS OF HELPER ROBOT From Wire Reports 3/17/08

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As some of you may know the space shuttle went back into space recently and one of its prime goals is to work on Dextre the one hundred foot tall robot who is standing on top of the space station at this moment and waving to us all. If you go outside tonight with your child’s telescope and point it towards the space station you will see Dextre waving and you can wave back at him.

He will enjoy that. He has been lonely up there.

But at least he can wave and do other things now since two astronauts attached a fifty foot arm to his body yesterday preparing Dextre for his new job as handyman in outer space.

Here are some of Dextre’s new duties as outlined by NASA in an official news release:

1/ Dextre shall wave at earth’s citizens when they wave at him and be a good ambassador in space.

2/ Dextre shall wave at other passing spacecraft including UFO’s from distant galaxies. However if one of the unknown variety should get within one hundred feet of the space station he will take a swing at it and hopefully expose the strange looking beings inside to the harsh environment of outer space. Hahaha. Let’s see how they like some of them apples.

3/ Dextre shall fix things that fall off the space station. First he will grab them when they fall off and then he will reattach them using his robot skills learned from watching Bill Gates here on earth.

4/ Dextre shall welcome all astronauts who approach the space station in the space shuttle. He will call out their names and help them dock in a safe and timely manner. However, if any of them start to act crazy and want to take the space shuttle to Texas while they are wearing diapers he will restrain them until they can be arrested and taken back to Florida for a speedy trial.

5/ Dextre will under no circumstances ever be allowed to watch 2001: A Space Odyssey.

6/ If the space station ever starts rapidly going around in circles so that Dextre is flung off into outer space every attempt will be made to find him and return him to his new home. Under no circumstances will robot jokes ever be made while he is listening or after he has been flung off into outer space.

7/ Dextre has been designed to lug around the big replacement parts that now require an astronaut to do some heavy lifting. Under no circumstances will Dextre be used for things that are not part of his job description. Specifically at no time will Dextre be allowed to clean the windows on the space shuttle or take out the trash.

8/ And finally if any space station resident should notice Dextre looking in the window at him/her and smiling please refrain from shouting or acting surprised. It’s lonely in outer space as Elton John has been telling us for decades. Don’t hurt Dextre’s feelings. Treat him well and he will treat you well.

Frankly, we don’t even want to think about the alternative.

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“We will follow the rules” Howard said “And we will hope the rules allow themselves to be changed“. I have missed Howard Dean. There was a moment last summer when I was doing some woodworking and accidentally hit my finger with a hammer. I thought of him in that moment as all of the birds in the neighborhood suddenly flew out of their trees.

Who was it that said “Rules are made to be broken?” Was it Howard Dean? Probably not. But it seems clear from this statement that Howard is planning on breaking (or changing as he puts it) some of them. I am not sure exactly what he is talking about but it seems to me that letting politicians change election results that they do not like is not such a great idea.

I hope they are not planning to go there.

In other news a Florida mother was charged with hosing her daughter. Mom was arrested after authorities watched a videotape allegedly showing her spraying her 2 year old daughter with a high pressure water hose at a Florida car wash.

Her lawyer stated that they plan to use the Tripp Isenhour defense. “At no time did she ever believe she would hit the child with spray from the hose when she aimed it at her. “

Mom noted “The chances of hitting her with spray were a million to one. Anybody who thinks differently doesn’t know car washes.”

She told authorities that she didn’t use the high pressure feature on the hose. And you can’t tell from the video. All you can see is the child suddenly exiting the car wash and flying down the street into a local auto dealership. Fortunately she was not hurt. She landed in the back seat of a Cadillac convertible. A nurse reports no visible injuries 11 days after the incident.

What about mental stress? Can she sue Mom? I hear she is going around saying “Git ma Johnny Cochrun”.

We are all glad she is doing well and thinking about her future.

Astronauts are returning to space (hopefully) this week and they are planning to assemble a “monstrous” two armed robot that will rise like Frankenstein from its transport bed.

I didn’t make that last part up. Maybe somebody at NASA made it up. But let’s be clear about this. It’s a male robot. It has lots of plugs in its electronic parts and not so many receptacles.

There has been a lot of talk this past week about “monsters” and a certain presidential candidate. But there is no way we are going to send said candidate to outer space. At least not yet. Politicians have gone up there before. John Glenn. That Nelson guy. But Hillary is not blasting off this week. She has too much to do down here. There are rules that need to want to change themselves. And somebody has to make them want to do it.

The robot’s name by the way is Dextre. And that’s short for Dexedrine. Because Dextre never wants to sit down and shut up. He never gets tired. And someday all his plugs and receptacles are going to come together.

And he is going to fry himself.

But for now he is just going to be a pain in the ass in outer space. Hopefully they haven’t programmed him to talk too much. And please don’t ever show him 2001: A Space Odyssey .

And finally a jury awarded a man 1.3 million dollars saying L.A. deputies used excessive force when they tried to stop his car. Winston Hayes, 46, suffered 9 bullet wounds when deputies fired 120 shots at him at the end of a low speed pursuit.

“Justice was done” said Mr. Hayes after hearing the verdict.

Let’s see. Mr. Hayes was hit nine times. And his car was hit 66 times. So that means that 45 bullets went somewhere else? And he was driving on a public street?

How many more trials are there going to be as a result of this incident? Call J.C. Oh wait. I keep forgetting Johnny is no longer with us.

Call somebody! This thing is not over yet.

And that’s it for today’s News Briefs. Don’t miss a minute of your hard hitting and loose fitting News Briefs. Grab a RSS feed and remember to keep your eyes open when you are driving down the street.

Or in a car wash. Or when you are playing golf.

Pretty much everywhere.

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