NewsLink Briefs

Benito here. Randy is off again. So I guess I should write something. AAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. It hurts my hands to write.

Here is something I find this week in the paper.

“A sense of grievance spilling into rage has gripped some GOP events this week as McCain supporters see his presidential campaign lag against Obama. Some in the audience are making it personal, against the Democrat. Shouts of “traitor,” “terrorist,” “treason,” “liar,” and even “off with his head” have rung from the crowd at McCain and Sarah Palin rallies, and gone unchallenged by them.”

And I just want to say you have a lovely country here but I’m getting a little afraid to go out in public.  Yesterday I heard someone say they would go to Mexico and take some of my friends North while they were having siestas.  Then leave them in Nebraska so when they wake up they run into Canada.

They all laughed but it is not so funny.  Everybody is very mad.   Friskeena sometimes starts yelling about Benny and throwing stuff around the house.

People are being afraid of many things and now they are mad too.   But this McCain guy starts talking all this trash about Senator Obama and then when everyone starts yelling about it he says he’s going to be alright as President.

It’s very confusing.  Old people should not run for President.  They are confused.  It’s like they wake up In Nebraska and drive to California.   Then they think they find the boat to Martha’s Vineyard.

Oh Oh.  Someone is outside the door.  Maybe it’s Friskeena.  Or it could be John McCain and some guys who want to go to Montana.  I better hide.

Randy will be back tomorrow.  I think he’s out on the Interstate looking for Lorelle.  He better be careful or someone will try to take him to Florida.

How bad off can this country be at the moment?   They still have plenty of money for gas.  And the price is coming down faster than Friskeena can fly to the Helmut City Revue on a Friday nite.

Got to go.

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Sin is geographical. ~Bertrand Russell

It’s time we have a talk boys and girls. And I know you wonder why I call you boys and girls when you haven’t been in the third grade for at least a couple of decades.

And you have understood about life and where baby rabbits come from for a good while too. And if you are so old you can’t remember the names of all the characters in Bambi I can sympathize with you.

Because I can’t remember any of their names either including Bambi’s.

So let’s get down to business and talk about gas prices. Because they are pretty high and maybe going a lot higher.

Why is that sisters and brothers?

Because.

Because we want them that way. And before you have a fit and start beating your head against the desk let me say that I am not talking about you personally. Or me either for that matter. I am talking about the “We” in the Declaration of Independence. As in “We the People” decided when we elected certain people that we wanted high gas prices. And the higher the better.

Are Teddy Kennedy or Joe Biden going to vote for legislation that will ease the regulatory burden so more refineries can be built? Because the bottleneck caused by too few refineries (especially after a hurricane or two!) keeps gas prices high. Are these guys and their friends going to vote for oil drilling in Alaska so the supply of oil can be increased?

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The judge in the corruption trial of a certain person says that the names of the jurors will be kept secret. Opening statements are set to begin in the trial of someone today. And we won’t say his or her name here because in the past this person was associated with someone else who is now running for high office. The judge did leave the door open to releasing some information later.

She noted that information about the assassination of JFK was due to be released fifty years after his death or in just a few years. So she felt we should all be patient and realize that before we all know it the information will be in our cold, dead hands.

The 52 year old defendant who is accused of shaking down companies with money to invest and perhaps (although this is highly unlikely) letting the money sit somewhere near someone who might have picked it up on his or her way to a campaign meeting.

He denies wrongdoing.

A former navy sailor was convicted of “leaking” (haha) details about ship movements to suspected terrorist supporters. Jurors convicted Hassan AbuJihaad, 32, of Phoenix of providing material support to terrorists and disclosing classified national defense information. The convicted sailor faces 25 years in federal prison for (among other things) passing along a drawing of his battle group’s formation and other data before it passed through the dangerous Strait of Hormuz in the Persian Gulf on April 29, 2001.

Mr. Jihaad stated in his defense motion that he was only making an April Fools joke and thought these were acceptable up to and including the last day of April. He also stated that he thought everyone would know it was a joke because, after all, his name was Mr. Jihaad! What fool with a name like that would actually try to sneak something important to his terrorist buds?

And even if he was that stupid wasn’t it clear that he was sorry and would not do it again if they just let him go back to Pakistan and take care of his elderly mother and five wives?

And finally the state of New York fined the personal corporation of Democratic Senate candidate Al Franken $25,000 for not carrying workers’ compensation insurance for almost three years. It was noted that they had sent him notices about this problem but he had apparently not received them.

But now he is aware of the problem and hopes to pay the fine once he is able to contact someone who is on trial somewhere near the Great Lakes.

Anything more that we might say about this could be construed as a political statement. And we don’t want to go there. This is The News. These are News Briefs. And BTW we would like to apologize for suggesting the inner cities of America be razed and parks established in their place. Our wife has reminded us that we have close relatives who live in the center of Boston, Buffalo and Miami. None of them want to move. None of them want to go live in a house boat.

None of them particularly like to fish and they prefer to eat steak. They especially like Filet Mignon once it has traveled through a meat grinder.

So we are very sorry about our suggestions although we think that bringing Pol Pot into the discussion is unfair and underhanded. Maybe the inner cities can be rehabilitated in another way and all the wonderful folks who live there can stay close to home.

Aren’t there rivers running through most cities? Isn’t that why a city is built in the first place? A nice river is found and everyone wants to live near it? So why not put all the house boats in the river that runs through the inner city? And once everyone has moved on to the river the old tenements and slumlord dwellings can be used for some other purpose.

Maybe suburban dwellers can be convinced to buy them up and rehab them by the millions? A moratorium on building new homes could go into effect until all the inner city dwellings are fixed up! The new President could share the news in his weekly radio address!

What a great idea! No flame throwers! No parks! Just new paint and furniture too! But who would live there after they are all fixed up? I don’t know! We will have to figure that out. Let us know what you think!

We can’t be expected to come up with all the answers in just one News Brief. So grab your RSS and return for more solutions to pressing problems SOON!

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President Bush said in his weekly radio address that Democratic leaders are blocking needed intelligence information in a bill that is stalled in the House. These leaders responded by saying that when it came to intelligence matters they doubted that he had anything worth responding to and furthermore even if he had sent them something it probably was lost in the mail.

The President responded by saying that he had sent them something and he put extra stamps on it so he was sure they must have received it.

Wherever the bill may be at the present moment sources say that it includes immunity for big telecommunication companies in case they are wiretapping somebody and they get caught. They say it’s just to protect them from terrorists who might want to sue them. But when asked about the definition of a terrorist they indicated that it was pretty much anybody who wanted to sue them.

Our intrepid reporter asked them if they were worried about a terrorist becoming so agitated by their wiretapping methods that he might blow up one of their buildings. And they reported that this didn’t bother them because they liked to work at home and had lots of electronic gear in their bedrooms. Our reporter sensed something was odd about this answer and asked them how they managed to get permission to work in their bedrooms while their coworkers were going to work every day in tall buildings that might get blown up.

And they responded that they didn’t have to ask anybody to do anything because they were in charge and if they wanted to work at home in their beds like Hugh Hefner it was their business. And furthermore if they wanted to screw themselves into a light socket it was their business too.

So it seems that this thing is not going to be settled anytime soon. But these guys are not the only ones worried about being sued. Health Net Inc. , one of California’s largetst health insurers was successfully sued by one of its former customers. Patsy Bates who is not related to the Bates family who owned that disreputable hotel sued these guys after they dropped her in 2004 after she discovered she had breast cancer.

The company indicated that they didn’t know she was sick when they dropped her. And when our intrepid reporter asked them why they dropped her they indicated that it was nothing personal and they picked her name out of a hat. Our intrepid reporter sensing that something was amiss then asked them why they picked names out of a hat.

And they responded that it was something they liked to do at the end of the work week as they prepared to go out and party on Friday night.

So once again we have managed to get to the bottom line in record time. Thanks to our intrepid reporter for. . .Oh wait. We have another News Brief that has just come into our offices.

A winning bid of 3 million dollars for a huge record collection on eBay was apparently a fraud. Pat Mawhinney, 68, has collected nearly 3 million vinyl albums and he would like to sell them because he is having trouble located his wife or his dog Sparky. Recently a pile of records fell on his wife and it took several days to locate her. But even on a good day she is hard to find.

The buyer who is obviously out of his mind to want these things apparently heard a rumor that Sparky has been running all over many of the records and possibly damaging them. Also the refill of his medication came in the mail after he had entered the bidding process and this has changed his perspective considerably.

Mr. Mawhinney is not whining about this disappointing turn of events however. He indicates that he has six more bidders who noticed how much fun the other guy was having and decided they wanted to join in the festivities.

Our intrepid reporter noticed however that all six of these bidders have the same address and it is at a downtown location known for its top notch emergency room procedures.

Has anybody contacted Ted Turner? He has all those old movies collecting dust somewhere. Maybe they are lonely. Hopefully Mr. Macwhinney has been keeping all the dust covers clean. Mold can be such a problem when you have at least a million dust covers in your basement.

And that’s it for today News Brief fans. Don’t forget to grab your RSS feed by the sidebar and stay tuned for more hard hitting and snug fitting news.

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