NewsLink Briefs

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A class action suit is being brought by some of Vermont’s prison inmates over the food they receive. They don’t like Nutraloaf. And unless someone starts building Hardee’s Restaurants inside Vermont prisons and staffing them with Hooters waitresses they will continue to pursue their rights in court. And they also want Charlize Theron to entertain them with her performance from Two Days In The Valley while they eat.

In other news the AP reports that people should toss out cantaloupes from a Honduran firm believed to be linked to a salmonella outbreak. Authorities note, however, that this does not mean you can toss these babies out your car window when traveling at excess speed through the center of town.

There is a proper way to dispose of your cantaloupe. And ignorance of the right way to do it is no excuse in a court of law.

In other news fleeing drug traffickers off Nicaragua’s coast dumped 3,300 pounds of cocaine into the ocean before escaping. Divers tried to retrieve the packages but were hampered by throngs of tourists who were thrashing about in the water. Fishing boats were also seen to be entering the area in great numbers and the price of fish was skyrocketing as the weekend approached.

And finally Russian says the killing of two journalists from the violence ridden Russian providence of Dagestan are not related. Television reporter Ilyas Shurpayev was found dead on Friday and later that day the head of Dagestan’s state controlled television channel was also killed.

“This is just a coincidence. The murders are not related to each other” said Shamil Guseivov, deputy police chief in Dagestan’s capital. ” The same bullet was not used in each case so they cannot be related. Also they did not happen at the same time and two different criminals were executed. I mean two different journalists died. Probably they both had heart attacks. But we will get to the bottom of this incident”.

“Before Sunday because we want to start the new week off with a blank sheet of paper. So we will have room for the names of more journalists.“

And that’s all the news we have for you western dumkoff’s today. Grab your feed and hold tightly onto it because you never know when the news will happen.

And try to buy some fish for your dinner tonight. Remember. Fish from Nicaragua. Good. Cantaloupes from Honduras. Bad.

And Stay away from Dagestan. All of the time.

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BRITISH OFFICIALS FIND COCA PLANTATION IN JUNGLE –From Wire Reports 3/17/08

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And our intrepid reporter was on the scene to record this conversation. . .

First Official: Jeeves! What have we here? By golly I think we have found the location of the Cocoa Puffs production facility!

Second Official: By Jove I think you are right! But why would they make them out here in this godforsaken jungle? I almost stepped on a snake back there! And all these mosquitoes!

Third Official: No. No. You idiots! This looks like a laboratory to manufacture cocaine. You both really do need to get out more. Look over there! Why would everyone start scampering into the woods upon our arrival if all they were doing was making breakfast cereal?

First Official: Why yes dear boy. I think you may have a point there. Look. Tell the General to round up some of his men and go have a talk with a few of those fellows. My! How they do dart back and forth. General! Bring that one over here. I wish to ask him a few questions.

General Meege: Yes sir.

Several soldiers grab a man with unfashionable clothing who looks to need a bath and shave and drag him towards the group of officials.

Second Official: Say there young man. What in the world do you think you are doing out here in Brazil’s Amazon region making this nasty mess?

Young Man: You don’t like Cocoa Puffs sir? My little sister loves them very much. She finds that eating them is the best way to start her day. She is “Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs! And my twelve other brothers and sisters all like them too”!

Third Official: Now don’t try to fool us with that old routine sir. Who do you think you are dealing with here?

Young Man: I’m sorry. I really don’t know who I am dealing with because I just woke up and you all did not send word that you would be here so early in the morning.

General Meege: Gentlemen I don’t think we will be getting much of the truth out of this one. This is a bad situation. This environment is not good for cocaine production. They like to go up into the Andes Mountains. They like Peru or Colombia but you see what happens when they are driven from one place to another.

Third Official: You mean to say that there are still cocaine labs out here after all this time? Why we have spent billions of dollars trying to get rid of them. What do you suggest we do about this problem?

General Meege: Duck!

First Official: What? Duck? Duck What? I had duck last night for dinner and it was very. . .

General Meege: Get down you idiot! They have turned around and are coming back!

Second Official: Oh well in that case I suggest we all go back to the hotel and have breakfast. How about you fellows? I think we have had enough exercise for one morning.

Third Official: Yes. Grab that jeep over there. Good-bye General. Nice to have met you young man. Please keep us informed. We have reports to write. How does poached eggs and salmon sound to you boys? Good-bye!

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