Weekly Editorial / Arnold For President
Table of contents for Commentary
NewsLink Briefs would like to endorse a candidate in the ongoing Presidential Sweepstakes. But our candidate is not running. And none of the candidates who are running impress us. Because we have not heard any of them talk about our issues. “What issues are those?” you might ask.
Didn’t you read our previous editorial? We propose the closing of all factories that make cars, buses or other gas powered vehicles. Just shut them down. This will help remove the threat of Global Warming. I don’t want my house here in Richmond, Virginia to become beach front property. Sure it would be more valuable because beach front property is not cheap. But many of our friends and relatives would be under water.
The two things just don’t quite balance out. Our candidate is Arnold the Movie Star out there in California. And we are not going to say his last name because it is too long and we can’t spell it. Besides, he needs to change his name to something that sounds more American before he runs.
We suggest Arnold Shagger. It’s must shorter. And it makes subtle reference to another of our favorite movie stars. Carry on!
President Shagger we feel sure would signal the necessity of cleaning up the environment. Everybody in California cares about that! And we were impressed with the way he handled the crab-like creature that stalked him in the woods in the movie Predator (“If it bleeds we can kill it”).
This movie was made a long time after he made Hercules In New York. Please don’t confuse Arnold with that New York guy who is thankfully out of the race.
Arnold understands that everyone needs housing. And he isn’t afraid to use a flame thrower to make his point.
We suggest using a contingent of flame throwers to eliminate all the unsightly inner city residences that discourage a happy and productive environment from taking root where it is needed most . Build parks! Plant trees! Throw down flower beds and let animals graze as they probably did three hundred years ago in the center of Boston or Detroit.
And what should Arnold do with all the people who are left homeless when their homes are razed? Give them house boats! Let them live off the coast in little colonies of house boats. None of them will have to worry about keeping up their lawns. And they can fish for food!
What did somebody once say about giving away fish? Give someone a fish and they are hungry again by midnight. But teach them to fish and they will have something to eat every day! They may get very tired of eating fish. But you can’t have everything.
We have much more to say about these revolutionary concepts. But there is not time today to really get into the details. Let’s just say that Arnold demonstrated in True Lies that he understands the concept. Remember when Jamie Lee Curtis was hanging off that helicopter over the waters off Florida?
Arnold understands that everyone can hang out in the ocean and end up safe and sound at the end of the day. They can always find someone to tow them into a safe harbor in the event of a storm. And then they can ride their electric bicycles to safety once they are back on dry land. I consulted with a house boat expert during the writing of this piece and he told me this. “Yes there will be times when a house boater may have to come ashore. But for your average storm another technique they can use is to simply tie many houseboats together. Form a flotilla just as the Spanish did when they went to visit Queen Elizabeth and their English friends. This has the advantage of creating a sense of community”.
Fascinating.
None of the announced candidates have come close to dealing with any of these important issues. So we must wait another four years. By that time we should have our program laid out in much greater detail. And Arnold will be ready.
He should be able to come up with a new story about being born in NYC by then.
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