NewsLink Briefs

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On this date back in 1968 Lyndon Johnson announced at the end of one of his little television chats that he would not be seeking reelection. And you cannot imagine the sadness that gripped the college community at that moment. I know because I was one of those who had nearly been shipped off to a snake infested jungle full of pajama clad and rifle toting individuals who would be eager to shoot me if they got the chance.

And for what? I could never figure that one out. So maybe Lyndon wouldn’t look like such a loopy and depressed basket case when he got his mug on your television screen. Go to Vietnam! Make Lyndon smile!

In 1880 on this date Wabash Indiana became the first town in the world to be illuminated by electrical lighting. How nice for them! Men fell on their knees as they were totally overwhelmed when the lights were turned on and the town square blazed like the sun. Moths from the surrounding states all made a B-line for Wabash and it was soon knee deep in wings and not the edible kind.

Two steps forward and one step back. Progress is never in a straight line.

On this date in 1889 the Eiffel Tower was officially completed and its creator French engineer Gustave Eiffel unfurled the French flag on top of it. And such a wonderful day it must have been. The sky was clear and all the bugs had left for Wabash Indiana long ago. Air flight was on the horizon and everyone was optimistic because when you went to the top you couldn’t quite see into Germany.

And around this time in 1766 the Sons of Liberty gathered in Norfolk Virginia to protest the Stamp Act which was viewed as an attempt to tax the colonists without their permission.

It was much like what we call “foreign aid” or “the war in Iraq” in the present day.

And now it is time for Birthdays! Hockey great Gordy Howe is 80 today! I bet he can still put on a pair of skates and whoop up on some people. Actor Richard Chamberlain is 74 and some of us fondly remember his days as Dr Kildare. Actress Shirley Jones is also 74. Did you know they were born on the same day? I didn’t ! Actor Christopher Walken is 65 today and Gabe Kaplan is 63. Al Gore and David Eisenhower are both 60 today. Twins maybe? Nah. And finally actress Rhea Perlman is 60.

Happy Birthday to all and especially those who are beginning a new decade in their lives.

Popularity: 29% [?]

Tags: actor, amp, birthdays, blaze, bug, bugs, college, Day, eiffel tower, election, french, french engineer, french flag, gordy howe, great, gustave eiffel, happy, History, horizon, Imagine, india, king, light, lights, lyndon johnson, May, museum, NewsLink Briefs, oh, people, retirement, richard chamberlain, Ship, sky, smile, snake, sons of liberty, sun, Tax, television, television screen, time, Today In History, virginia, wabash indiana

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Manson Family In The News again! from Wire Reports dated 3/29/08

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Yard of Charles Manson’s Home Not Dug Up

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Yet. But if they find any evidence of bodies they are going to get busy with the shovels. Barker Ranch once provided shelter for the Helter Skelter gang including our old favorite Charlie “I’m Freaking Amazing” Manson. “And where is Barker Ranch located?” you might ask. Well, guess what?! It is located in Death Valley.

So there you have it. Putting two and two together Sheriff Bill Lutze decided it was time to start using sound waves to detect any crime that may have happened long ago. Why worry about it? Charlie is in jail and he freaked people out so badly they gave him five thousand years. With time off for good behavior that means he shouldn’t be out before he reaches age 72.

When asked if there were any bodies buried at the ranch Charlie said “Frankly I don’t remember. I was so busy back then it has all become a blur to me. All I wish is that I had another chance to live my life over again. Because it was so much fun the first time. When’s my next parole hearing? “

Former governor of Alabama Don Siegelman was released from federal prison yesterday after spending nine months in the slammer. Asked how he felt he said,” I may have lost my freedom for awhile but I never lost my faith.”

“Besides I watched what Martha Stewart did in West Virginia. If she can do it so can I. And I learned to crochet like a pro.” A judge ordered Siegelman released while he pursues his appeals.

And in separate news five million other inmates in US prisons petitioned the court to be released while they pursue their appeals. We may be saving a lot of money on prison food by the end of next week.

Two brothers have filed suit against the City of San Fransisco after they were attacked by a tiger who exited the San Fransisco Zoo and was taking a walk while he looked for something to eat.

Their attorney submitted papers on behalf of the two brothers this past week seeking compensation for “serious injury and emotional injury”.

The zoo’s attorney spoke up on behalf of his client suggesting that the tiger had no knowledge that he was breaking any laws. He simply was hungry and when the two brothers started to run he naturally chased them. “The two brothers looked like they were having fun. They were jumping up and down and screaming. One of them tried to climb a tree which is illegal in San Fransisco.”

“Our client gave them notice that he intended to eat them when he growled but they continued to play. “

Well they are still here so perhaps the tiger just snacked on them for awhile or they got away! The article doesn’t say!

And that’s all for today NewsLink Brief fans. I have a terrible cold today and can barely walk, talk or think of my name. So be happy you got something out of me even though it wasn’t very funny. Did you ever try to write something humorous when you felt like crap? I thought I would try it just to see what happens.

And now I know. Oh well. It’s time to lay down and rest some more.

Popularity: 46% [?]

Tags: barker ranch, be happy, blog, charles manson, charlesmanson, charlie, city, Day, death, death valley, don siegelman, faith, family, fan, favorite, federal prison, form, freedom, fun, governor of alabama, happy, having fun, helter skelter, home, humor, humor blog, humorblog, jump, king, Life, lion, lot, manson family, martha stewart, May, money, News, NewsLink Briefs, oh, ovid, owl, people, prisons, run, slammer, time, virginia, west virginia

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A class action suit is being brought by some of Vermont’s prison inmates over the food they receive. They don’t like Nutraloaf. And unless someone starts building Hardee’s Restaurants inside Vermont prisons and staffing them with Hooters waitresses they will continue to pursue their rights in court. And they also want Charlize Theron to entertain them with her performance from Two Days In The Valley while they eat.

In other news the AP reports that people should toss out cantaloupes from a Honduran firm believed to be linked to a salmonella outbreak. Authorities note, however, that this does not mean you can toss these babies out your car window when traveling at excess speed through the center of town.

There is a proper way to dispose of your cantaloupe. And ignorance of the right way to do it is no excuse in a court of law.

In other news fleeing drug traffickers off Nicaragua’s coast dumped 3,300 pounds of cocaine into the ocean before escaping. Divers tried to retrieve the packages but were hampered by throngs of tourists who were thrashing about in the water. Fishing boats were also seen to be entering the area in great numbers and the price of fish was skyrocketing as the weekend approached.

And finally Russian says the killing of two journalists from the violence ridden Russian providence of Dagestan are not related. Television reporter Ilyas Shurpayev was found dead on Friday and later that day the head of Dagestan’s state controlled television channel was also killed.

“This is just a coincidence. The murders are not related to each other” said Shamil Guseivov, deputy police chief in Dagestan’s capital. ” The same bullet was not used in each case so they cannot be related. Also they did not happen at the same time and two different criminals were executed. I mean two different journalists died. Probably they both had heart attacks. But we will get to the bottom of this incident”.

“Before Sunday because we want to start the new week off with a blank sheet of paper. So we will have room for the names of more journalists.“

And that’s all the news we have for you western dumkoff’s today. Grab your feed and hold tightly onto it because you never know when the news will happen.

And try to buy some fish for your dinner tonight. Remember. Fish from Nicaragua. Good. Cantaloupes from Honduras. Bad.

And Stay away from Dagestan. All of the time.

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Tags: amp, Author, blog, boat, boats, car, Charlize, Charlize Theron, class action suit, cocaine, coincidence, Day, drug traffickers, fish, fishing, form, great, heart, heart attacks, hooters waitresses, humor, humor blog, humorblog, News, news briefs, NewsLink Briefs, nutraloaf, ocean, ovid, people, prison inmates, prisons, salmonella outbreak, sky, speed, sun, television, time

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ASTRONAUTS ATTACH ARMS OF HELPER ROBOT From Wire Reports 3/17/08

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As some of you may know the space shuttle went back into space recently and one of its prime goals is to work on Dextre the one hundred foot tall robot who is standing on top of the space station at this moment and waving to us all. If you go outside tonight with your child’s telescope and point it towards the space station you will see Dextre waving and you can wave back at him.

He will enjoy that. He has been lonely up there.

But at least he can wave and do other things now since two astronauts attached a fifty foot arm to his body yesterday preparing Dextre for his new job as handyman in outer space.

Here are some of Dextre’s new duties as outlined by NASA in an official news release:

1/ Dextre shall wave at earth’s citizens when they wave at him and be a good ambassador in space.

2/ Dextre shall wave at other passing spacecraft including UFO’s from distant galaxies. However if one of the unknown variety should get within one hundred feet of the space station he will take a swing at it and hopefully expose the strange looking beings inside to the harsh environment of outer space. Hahaha. Let’s see how they like some of them apples.

3/ Dextre shall fix things that fall off the space station. First he will grab them when they fall off and then he will reattach them using his robot skills learned from watching Bill Gates here on earth.

4/ Dextre shall welcome all astronauts who approach the space station in the space shuttle. He will call out their names and help them dock in a safe and timely manner. However, if any of them start to act crazy and want to take the space shuttle to Texas while they are wearing diapers he will restrain them until they can be arrested and taken back to Florida for a speedy trial.

5/ Dextre will under no circumstances ever be allowed to watch 2001: A Space Odyssey.

6/ If the space station ever starts rapidly going around in circles so that Dextre is flung off into outer space every attempt will be made to find him and return him to his new home. Under no circumstances will robot jokes ever be made while he is listening or after he has been flung off into outer space.

7/ Dextre has been designed to lug around the big replacement parts that now require an astronaut to do some heavy lifting. Under no circumstances will Dextre be used for things that are not part of his job description. Specifically at no time will Dextre be allowed to clean the windows on the space shuttle or take out the trash.

8/ And finally if any space station resident should notice Dextre looking in the window at him/her and smiling please refrain from shouting or acting surprised. It’s lonely in outer space as Elton John has been telling us for decades. Don’t hurt Dextre’s feelings. Treat him well and he will treat you well.

Frankly, we don’t even want to think about the alternative.

Popularity: 36% [?]

Tags: 2001 a space odyssey, astronauts, bill gates, blog, citizens, Crazy, Day, dextre, earth, feelings, home, hope, humor, humor blog, humorblog, job, jokes, king, May, nasa, nasarobot, News, news release, NewsLink Briefs, oh, rain, space, space shuttle, space station, speed, tall robot, time, trial