We begin today’s NewsLink Briefs with a report that OJ will be going to trial soon on robbery charges stemming from some shenanigans in Las Vegas last year. Simpson was seen to be jumping up and down with joy after hearing the news. Our intrepid reporter notes that he kept saying “Get me Johnny Cochran. Get me Johnny Cochran” until someone reminded him that Johnny died some time ago.

And why did Johnny die? Some of us may be wondering why OJ is out running around and allegedly committing more felonies while his lawyer is deceased. Although it does seems fair in the sense that anybody who comes up with the slogan “If the glove doesn’t fit you must acquit” should be punished in some way.

Probably the Grim Reaper was pretty ticked off when OJ wasn’t convicted the first time for his crimes. And he took it out on Johnny. That seems a little harsh although it is understandable.

But OJ doesn’t understand any of this. He thinks he is some kind of Superman who ran through NFL tacklers and Judge Ito like they were not even there. He really does live in another world. And it is unlikely he will ever go to jail.

In fact it is unlikely he will ever die. Two hundred years from now everybody is going to be wondering who this dude is and why won’t he stop trying to bag old ladies in the street.

Actually he is more like Lex Luther than Superman. But he thinks he is Superman.

Hopefully he will try to fly off a thirty story building some day. I know the Grim Reaper hopes he will too.

In other news the USDA in the wake of the largest beef recall in US history announced new steps to ensure the safety of our meat. There are going to be more random inspections of slaughterhouses and immediate audits of plants that supply meat for federal programs.

Let me see if I understand this. If I go out to dinner I have to depend on random inspections. Maybe they will do six instead of four inspections in an area the size of Ohio. But the folks who get meat from government programs can be happy knowing that their meat was audited!!

I want my meat audited too! My meat needs to be inspected just as much as their meat does. If I get sick and die because my meat was not audited I am going to look up Johnny Cochran. And after he gets done telling me what is going to happen to OJ someday we are going to come back and talk to the guy who came up with this new process. His name is Ed Schafer and he is the Agriculture Secretary.

And if he knows about agriculture he probably knows about OJ. It should be lovely meeting. Maybe we can discuss apples and bananas too if there is time.

Just as long as there is time to go visit Robert Byrd in the hospital and see how his back is doing. Our intrepid reporter has heard that he is feeling better and tried to give a speech while standing on a table in the dining room yesterday. He was apparently unaware that many of the patients in the room suffered from various forms of psychoses.

And they gave him a round of applause unlike anything he has heard for twenty years in the Senate.

It may be difficult to get him to leave once his back feels better.

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