Up To Date News Links / For Those Who Need Briefs
Table of contents for News Briefs
- Don’t Leave Home Without Your Briefs
- School Bus Being Used For Target Practice
- Up To Date News Links / For Those Who Need Briefs
- Beyond The Briefs / The Real Story / Senator Byrd In The Hospital
- British Officials Find Coca Plantation in Jungle
We are happy to report that the Pentagon shot down its spy satellite with one shot. And so there is one less danger for you to face today. Because if it had landed on your head it would have killed you. And if it had landed nearby the toxic gas inside it would have burst forth and killed you. And if it had landed a little farther away it might have killed one of you neighbors.
And we know that would have saddened you greatly. Even if they do let their dog run around the neighborhood at night and leave “Presents” on your lawn. I stepped in a present this morning on the way to my car and I was not happy. So the news that the satellite is not coming down in one big piece no longer makes me very happy. It still makes me happy. But some of the joy has gone away.
Pfizer it going to pull its wonderful ads featuring Dr. Jarvik who is fond of noting how he wanted to pursue another career but decided to become a doctor and invent a mechanical heart when he discovered his father had heart disease.
I always liked the commercials he did and am sad that they are going away. Apparently Congress has time to question whether he should appear in them because he is not cardiologist and doesn’t have a license to practice medicine. What kind of doctor do you think he could be? Maybe he has a PhD in mechanical engineering. I don’t know.
I thought he was gay too but maybe he’s not because in a later commercial he is running with his son. But that doesn’t mean anything of course. He could still be gay and have a son. Or maybe it’s not really his son and they put him in there because a lot of people thought he was gay. And that would be fine except he really is sort of a mystery man now that it turns out he can’t prescribe this medicine. Maybe that’s why he’s going away.
He recommends we use Lipitor to reduce cholesterol but he can’t prescribe it. And he invented a mechanical heart. Could he recommend we get a mechanical heart if we needed one?
Maybe he should make commercials about his mechanical heart invention. But I would not want one. They really remind me of the Frankenstein monster. Maybe Dr. Jarvik could play Dr. Frankenstein next time they make a movie about him.
Eventually he will find another gig. But next time he should make it a point to try and be himself. Whoever that might be.
The New York Philharmonic has arrived in North Korea and plans to give a concert there to a group of high-ranking North Korean officials. And the concert will be shown here in the US on Thursday evening.
Our intrepid reporter went along on the trip and asked Lorin Maazel who is the orchestra conductor how things were going. Mr Maazel responded by asking our reporter if he happened to have a hamburger or maybe a couple of Twinkies on him.
And finally it was reported that rules allowing us to only keep the big fish that we catch when fishing may tilt species evolution. Because, after all, the big fish are the ones who were smart and fast enough to become big. We need them to fertilize all those eggs and pass that genetic material on down the road. And it’s difficult to do when they are resting on a frying pan in your kitchen.
All of this comes about as a result of an experiment involving rainbow trout. Gill nets were set out over a five day period and moved every day. And about fifty percent of the faster and more aggressive fish were caught in the nets. While only thirty percent of the slower and more timid fish were caught. They took “Fewer risks” while foraging.
What does this all mean? Probably it means that it is going to be harder to catch fish in the future. And what does that mean? Probably it means there will be more fish. But few of them will be signing long term contracts with a professional team.
Is this important? No. I don’t think so. But to scientists it is very important. Because they need jobs and things to do. Or they will end up going very slow and maybe not even leaving the house. Their wives will leave them. And they will have no more children.
They will end up like Dr. Jarvik.
A sad state of affairs.
*
Popularity: 23% [?]
Filed in Posts and blogs, Writing One Response so far
daniel on 08 Aug 2009 at 9:39 am #
Our intrepid reporter went along on the trip and asked Lorin Maazel who is the orchestra conductor how things were going. Mr Maazel responded by asking our reporter if he happened to have a hamburger or maybe a couple of Twinkies on him.