NewsLink Briefs

We begin today’s NewsLink Briefs with a report that OJ will be going to trial soon on robbery charges stemming from some shenanigans in Las Vegas last year. Simpson was seen to be jumping up and down with joy after hearing the news. Our intrepid reporter notes that he kept saying “Get me Johnny Cochran. Get me Johnny Cochran” until someone reminded him that Johnny died some time ago.

And why did Johnny die? Some of us may be wondering why OJ is out running around and allegedly committing more felonies while his lawyer is deceased. Although it does seems fair in the sense that anybody who comes up with the slogan “If the glove doesn’t fit you must acquit” should be punished in some way.

Probably the Grim Reaper was pretty ticked off when OJ wasn’t convicted the first time for his crimes. And he took it out on Johnny. That seems a little harsh although it is understandable.

But OJ doesn’t understand any of this. He thinks he is some kind of Superman who ran through NFL tacklers and Judge Ito like they were not even there. He really does live in another world. And it is unlikely he will ever go to jail.

In fact it is unlikely he will ever die. Two hundred years from now everybody is going to be wondering who this dude is and why won’t he stop trying to bag old ladies in the street.

Actually he is more like Lex Luther than Superman. But he thinks he is Superman.

Hopefully he will try to fly off a thirty story building some day. I know the Grim Reaper hopes he will too.

In other news the USDA in the wake of the largest beef recall in US history announced new steps to ensure the safety of our meat. There are going to be more random inspections of slaughterhouses and immediate audits of plants that supply meat for federal programs.

Let me see if I understand this. If I go out to dinner I have to depend on random inspections. Maybe they will do six instead of four inspections in an area the size of Ohio. But the folks who get meat from government programs can be happy knowing that their meat was audited!!

I want my meat audited too! My meat needs to be inspected just as much as their meat does. If I get sick and die because my meat was not audited I am going to look up Johnny Cochran. And after he gets done telling me what is going to happen to OJ someday we are going to come back and talk to the guy who came up with this new process. His name is Ed Schafer and he is the Agriculture Secretary.

And if he knows about agriculture he probably knows about OJ. It should be lovely meeting. Maybe we can discuss apples and bananas too if there is time.

Just as long as there is time to go visit Robert Byrd in the hospital and see how his back is doing. Our intrepid reporter has heard that he is feeling better and tried to give a speech while standing on a table in the dining room yesterday. He was apparently unaware that many of the patients in the room suffered from various forms of psychoses.

And they gave him a round of applause unlike anything he has heard for twenty years in the Senate.

It may be difficult to get him to leave once his back feels better.

Popularity: 18% [?]

Tags: be happy, crimes, culture, Day, fly, form, grim reaper, happy, History, hope, houses, hundred years, intrepid reporter, johnny cochran, judge ito, jump, laugh, laughter, love, lovely, May, News, NewsLink Briefs, oh, oj simpson, plants, random inspections, robbery charges, run, senate, shenanigans, superman, time, trial

Popularity: 1% [?]

Tags: jennifer connelly, Jennifer Connelly/ Leonardo DiCaprio

Popularity: unranked [?]

Tags: natalie portman

The other day we were musing about the US President whoever he or she may be next year being given greater power for various good purposes. One of them would be permission to go down to the Senate and kick some butt. And to specifically kick anybody over the age of eighty back to their home state so we can have some younger blood at the helm. Maybe we could even find someone who is say, 65, to be in charge of some of the important decisions that need to be made.

Well, Senator Byrd must have read my post because he admitted himself to Walter Reed Army Hospital yesterday. He was having some back pain. I wonder why back pain requires a hospital admission? Maybe he is just hiding out. Maybe he thinks that the current President is going to show up and kick his butt.

He shouldn’t worry about that. I was hoping a long time ago that President Bush would challenge Saddam Hussein to fight on the White House lawn. Because I think the President who has some problems but is always in shape could have beat Saddam into the ground. And that would have been something every guy in the Middle East would have understood. Because they really aren’t impressed by cruise missiles. That’s too high tech for them. But a good butt kicking is something every guy over there understands. And their wives understand it too. Probably they understand it better than anybody. But President Bush had precious little experience with hand to hand combat when he was in the military. And he is pretty fond of cruise missiles. . .

Saddam would have agreed to it too. All they had to do was make him an offer he couldn’t refuse. “Alright, Saddam. If you beat President Bush then we will put off your hanging for six months. ” I bet he would have gone for that. But the President never made the offer and now, of course, now it is too late. Thanks to cell phone technology we were able to witness Saddam’s date with a very impressive rope. And so we will never see him tussle with the President.

Too bad.

So Senator Byrd has a bad back and is third in line to be President of the US. He is also ninety years old and has never seen a dollar that he didn’t want to spend on his beloved state of West Virginia. But something about all of this does not comfort me. It doesn’t take very long to count to three. And when I get there I want to find something that makes me happy. The idea that the most powerful country in the history of the known universe is so very close to being run by a ninety year old guy who has to be admitted to the hospital for a bad back is . . . what? What word would you put in here? Frightening? Insane? Pretty funny?

We are one pretzel and one defibrillator with a bad battery away from having a ninety year old man who likes to hallucinate while he is giving three hour speeches about the tree in his back yard as the leader of our country. Should this concern us? No? Good.

But Maybe Senator Byrd needs to stop certain kinds of activity in case the unimaginable happens. And speaking of the unimaginable what do you think he might have been doing to hurt his back?

You don’t think he was consulting with one of his more attractive female constituents do you? No. That’s not possible. It’s more likely that Saddam will come back from the Mother of all Hot Spots where he now resides and stand on the White House lawn calling for the President to come out and play.

Senator Byrd just needed a nap and was having trouble getting some snooze time in his office. There was just too much noise. And the Senate Floor was closed so he couldn’t go in there and sleep.

I am sure he will be back soon since it is clear his goal is to be “Working” in the Senate when he turns one hundred.

And I am hoping the cameras will be rolling when that happens. I enjoy watching these guys fall out while they are giving speeches. And I was disappointed when Saddam gave his because he didn’t give it in English.

Unfortunately there were no subtitles.

Cell phone technology hasn’t come that far.

Yet.

*

*

More News Briefs

http://newslinkbriefs.com/2008/02/22/weekend-summary/

*

*

***

Popularity: 25% [?]

Tags: a long time, back yard, bush, camera, cell phone technology, cruise, cruise missile, cruise missiles, Day, defibrillator, fun, great, happy, History, home, king, long time, love, May, middle, middle east, News, news briefs, NewsLink Briefs, pain, president bush, run, saddam hussein, senate, senator byrd, show, sleep, time, universe, virginia, walter reed army hospital, west virginia, white house